Teaching your children respect

Respect means that you care about another person well-being and how they feel. Respect means that you accept somebody for who they are, even when they’re different from you or you don’t agree with them. When you respect someone, you treat them kindly and use good manners. Sometimes it means doing things for them or listening to their instructions. Having respect for someone means that you like the way that person acts, works, or the way that persons treats you and others. Treating someone with respect means that you interact with them in a way that shows that you care about their well-being and how they feel. When you respect someone, you treat them kindly and use good manners. Sometimes it means doing things for them or listening to their instructions.

Receiving respect from others is also important because it helps you to feel safe and to express yourself. If people are behaving badly towards you and hurting you or your feelings, then you cannot, and must not, respect their unkind behavior.

Respect has several meanings:

• Having regard for others. That means accepting that other people are different but just as important as you feel you are. Some people may call this tolerance.
• Having a proper respect for yourself. That means that you stand up for yourself and don’t let yourself be talked into doing stuff that you know is wrong or makes you feel uncomfortable.
• Not interfering with others or their property.
• To consider something worthy of high regard. That really means taking all those other values and living them.

A good mnemonic for respect:

• Respect family
• Equity for everyone
• Say sorry, please and thank you
• People deserve respect
• Ensure that everyone’s rights are respected
• Carry respect into all of your life
• Take time to respect yourself

What does respect feel and look like:

• You feel safe being around each other
• You know it’s OK for both of you to express who you are
• When you disagree you listen to each other and be patient
• You don’t yell or talk over the top of each other
• Neither of you are controlling the other person’s choices
• You both talk openly about your needs and wants
• You both allow the other person space if they need it
• You can both admit when you’ve made a mistake.

Home is the place where your child first learn about respect:

• Your child learn about using good manners, like saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.
• Your child learn to share things like toys, games and food with other children.
• Your child learn to look after their own things and take care of other things in the house (eg. not jumping on furniture, wiping your feet etc, so that the house is a good place for everyone to be).
• Your child learn to wait for his/her turn in talking.
• Your child learn to listen.
• Your child learn to understand that she/he will not always get what they want.
• Your child learn to respect others by helping with chores and not letting the family down.
• Your child learn to respect others in the community where you live.
• Your child learn how to talk to different adults in a way they expect to be spoken to e.g., grandma and her friends may not like to be called by their first name.

Respect at school

When your child goes to school she/he will have to learn some different ways to respect others and himself.

• Your child will learn how to be a member of a class.
• Your child will learn how to behave with teachers and other ‘school kids’.
• Your child learn to respect and keep school rules, which help to make their school a safe and caring place for everyone.
• Your child will learn to respect the property of classmates and the school.
• Your child will meet with people from different backgrounds, maybe different countries, cultures and religions.
• Some people will look very different to your child and your family.
• Some people will behave very differently to your child and your family.
• Your child can respect their differences and expect that they will respect yours.

Earning respect

Earning respect from yourself is probably harder than earning respect from others.

• If you aim to be an honest, caring person who accepts that everyone is different, always tries hard and is willing to share and help others, then living up to your aims can be very difficult.
• Don’t give yourself too hard a time if you sometimes make mistakes. Mistakes are what we learn from.
• Earning respect from others is easy if you live by the values we talked about at the beginning of this topic. People will soon know that you are the kind of person who can be trusted to do the right thing, behave in a caring way and respect others’ rights to be themselves.

What are good manners?

Courtesy, politeness or having good manners are all about respecting others and yourself. Good manners is about considering the feelings of other people, and being the kind of person that others will like and respect.

In the ‘olden days’ children were taught about the Golden Rule – “Always do to others as you would wish them to do to you if you were in their place.”

This is still a good way to behave nowadays. If you are respectful to others, then you are more likely to be treated with respect by them.

If you show good manners everywhere you go, then you are more likely to encourage others to behave in the same way towards you.

Look at the following ideas from kids and see if you can think why they chose these examples of good manners.

What good manners look like at home

• Being helpful to others in your home.
• Saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.
• Sharing and not grabbing and keeping good things to yourself.
• Respecting other people’s property and their rooms.
• Helping the family by doing your chores.
• Cleaning up after yourself.

Good manners at the dining table

• Wait until everyone has been served before you eat.
• Use your knife to cut and your fork to put the food in your mouth.
• Chew food with your mouth closed.
• Ask for things to be passed to you, don’t lean over the table.
• If you need to blow your nose, excuse yourself and go out of the room first.
• Don’t grab everything you want first – help others to get their food and be prepared to share.
• Don’t talk with your mouth full. It is not a good look!
• Switch your mobile phone to silent and don’t check it either.

Good manners at school

• Saying good morning/afternoon if you are walking past an adult who you know.
• Asking if you can borrow something, not just taking.
• Returning things that you have borrowed.
• Waiting your turn before you speak.
• Saying ‘excuse me,’ rather than pushing past someone.
• Holding the door open for the person coming in, especially if he is carrying something.
• Respecting your own and other people’s property, especially school property.
• Saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.

Good manners when you are out

If you are out with other kids:

• Respect other people.
• Be polite to others.
• Don’t use bad language in public – it is offensive to others.
• Let an older person have your seat on buses, trains and trams if there is nowhere for them to sit.
• Queue up quietly and don’t push.
• Put your rubbish into bins, don’t leave it for someone else to clean up.
• Have fun but don’t be so loud that you attract the wrong kind of attention.
• Respect property.
• Don’t make fun of anyone – everyone has feelings.
• Don’t run in shopping centers or where there are other people.
• Spend time talking and listening to the people you are with – don’t talk on your cellphone when you are with other people.

If you are out with your parents or other adults:

• Use your good manners so that you don’t embarrass anyone.
• Introduce any friends you meet to the people you are with.
• Say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.
• Don’t be a ‘canna’. (“canna have this?” and “canna have that?”)

What is bullying?

Bullying is when children:

• tease other children over and over again
• ignoring other children or leaving them out of games or activities
• say mean things or call other children names
• spread nasty stories about other children
• hit and push other children
• take other children’s things.

If children join in with bullying or encourage someone else to behave like this, it’s also bullying.

If friends or peers disagree or even argue, or if someone says something mean once, it can be unpleasant and even nasty. But it isn’t bullying. Bullying is mean and hurtful behavior that happens over and over again.

Bullying can happen face to face. It can also happen online – for example, if children send harassing texts or post negative comments about others online. This is cyberbullying.

Children should never be left to sort out bullying on their own. They can be seriously hurt by it. It’s important for you to stop bullying quickly, before it damages a child’s confidence.

These are some ideas from kids on how to deal with bullies:

• Ask a teacher to watch out for bullies and catch them.
• Ask a friend to help you tell them to stop.
• Try to act like you are not being hurt by their nasty words.
• Tell teachers, parents, counselors and anyone else you think may help you, until the bullying is dealt with.
• Use the ‘Harassment steps’ at your school. If you don’t know what they are, ask your teacher.
• Don’t give the bullies put-downs, give them build-ups (eg. ignore if they are being nasty and say something positive “I think that you’re too smart to be doing this.”)
• Get all the other people who are being bullied and go together to tell someone.
• Act normal around bullies – don’t let them see if you’re scared.
• Get together with others and put bullying on the agenda for your class meeting. Don’t mention names, say ‘someone’ or ‘what if someone…’ and ask for ideas on dealing with bullying from the class.
• If you are being bullied at home tell mum or dad, or other adults in your family, and keep telling until it stops.

Signs of bullying

Your child might tell you that she’s being bullied. For example, she might say that other children are teasing her, making fun of her, putting her down, laughing at her, calling her names, ignoring her or threatening her.

If your child doesn’t say anything but you’re worried, here are some signs to look out for.

Physical signs of bullying may include:

• bruises, cuts and scratches
• torn clothes
• missing property
• poor eating or sleeping
• bedwetting
• complaints about headaches or tummy aches.

Requests for money or other items

The person doing the bullying might be demanding money or things like lunch box treats from your child.

School or preschool problems

Your child might:

• not want to go to preschool or school
• stay close to teachers during breaks
• start sitting alone
• have difficulty asking or answering questions in class, or have trouble with schoolwork or homework
• stop taking part in school activities.

Social changes

Your child might avoid social events that he used to enjoy, like parties. Or you might notice that he’s:

• being excluded at lunch and recess
• losing contact with classmates after school
• being chosen last for teams and games.

Emotional changes

Your child might seem unusually anxious, nervous, upset, unhappy, down, teary, angry, withdrawn and secretive. These changes might be more obvious at the end of weekends or holidays, when your child has to go back to school.

These signs don’t necessarily mean your child is being bullied. They could be signs of other issues, like depression. If you’re concerned, speak to your doctor or other health professional.

There’s no single way to tell whether your child is being bullied. The way your child reacts to bullying will depend on how bad the bullying is, as well as your child’s personality.

Worried your child is being bullied

It can be hard to know for sure whether your child is being bullied. But if your child is being bullied, talking about the bullying is one of the best ways to help and protect her. When you’re talking with your child about school, try to keep the conversation relaxed and friendly, and avoid bombarding your child with questions. Just give your child your full attention, ask him simple questions, and listen to the answers. You could try saying things like, ‘So what happened next?’ and ‘What did you do then?’ This approach can help your child open up to you.

To find out more about what’s going on, you could try some of these conversation starters for children aged 4-6 years:

• Who did you play with today? Is there anyone you don’t like to play with? Why?
• What sort of games did you play? Did you enjoy them?
• Are you looking forward to going to school tomorrow?

Or try these conversation starters for children aged 7-8 years:

• What did you do at lunchtime today?
• Is there anyone at school you don’t like? Why?
• Are you looking forward to going to school tomorrow?

What to do with bullying?

• Find someone you trust and go and tell them what is happening to you.
• If the harassment is happening at school, then tell a teacher or school counselor and ask what can be done about it. Your school probably has a policy on harassment/bullying and there are steps to follow in the rules of that policy. If you say nothing then nothing will be done. This is not ‘dobbing’ (telling tales) Bullying is wrong and everyone must speak up about it to stop it.
• It is not your fault that you are being harassed/bullied and you have the right to feel safe.
• Bullies need to be caught and stopped because they can make the lives of many others miserable as well as yours.
• Tell your parents or caregivers, who will talk to the school for you if you are scared about what the bully may do.
• Tell your friends what is happening to you and ask for their support.
• If you are being harassed on the way to school, try going a different way or walking with a group of others.
• If you are being chased, run up to any door and knock loudly. Bullies are afraid of being caught and would probably run away if they thought they were going to be caught.
• Bashing people up is assault and is a criminal offence. Let the bully know that your parents know and can report it to school and to the police.
• It is really important to tell someone! Keep on telling until something is done to make you feel safe again.

Although often bullies just pick on anyone, there are some things you can do that sometimes help keep bullies away. Here are some ideas on how you can become the kind of person that bullies may be less likely to want to pick on.

Take a good look at yourself in the mirror and answer these questions:

• Do I look confident?
• Do I look like a regular kid? (Of course kids are different in lots of different ways, but I know how important it is to kids to feel they are seen to be part of the group.)
• Do I stand tall?
• Do I hold my head high? (Or do I look miserable, as though life has got on top of me?)

If the answer is no to any of these questions, then now is the time to put some work in on yourself.

People who become famous athletes, musicians, actors, and dancers or who are really good at whatever job they do have one thing in common: They practise! You can practise too.

Things you can practise

• Practise acting confident, eg. walking head-up, looking and smiling at people as you go, saying hello to anyone you know who looks back at you.
• Practise looking your best. If you look neat, clean and tidy, and make the most of your appearance, you immediately feel good about yourself and you feel more confident.
• Practise using a strong voice – not shouting.

Think back to a situation where you were bullied. How could you have handled it?

• Practise what you could say or do if that happens again.
• Practise making friends in and out of school. (Look up our topic Friendship if you need some ideas.)
• Practise being assertive. This means standing up for your rights.
• Practise thinking about the worst thing that the bully might do to you and what you could do – then stop worrying about it. It is unlikely to happen to the ‘new’ assertive you.
• Practise a game or skill until you’re really good at it. You could make new friends, gain respect from others and feel great about yourself.
• Practise collecting powerful friends. Watch the people you hang around with. Bullies are unlikely to pick on you if you have a group of friends who are strong and support you.
  Ask someone who is bigger, older or popular with other kids if you can hang out with them for a while. (If you can’t think of anyone, ask your teacher to help you find someone.) Don’t ask that person to fight for you though. You don’t want to be in the middle of a ‘war’!
• Practise talking your way out of strife, eg. “OK everyone knows you can beat me, I know too, so it’s really a waste of time isn’t it?” (Get your parents or a friend to help you. They can pretend to be the bully and you can practise different things to say, in a strong voice.)
• Practise thinking ahead. Avoid places where you come close to the bully.
• If you’re being harassed for money or food treats, make sure that you don’t have any left when you are likely to come across the bully. Practise saying that you don’t get them anymore as mum has told the teacher she doesn’t want to provide food/money for other people.
• Practise liking yourself. Tell yourself what a great kid you are. List all the great things you can do.
• Practise all of these things every day. Keep a diary of what you do and what you try to do. Look at it every Sunday to check how you did last week and make your list of things to try for the next week.
• Don’t give up!

Remember, correct practice makes perfect, more practice makes perfect every time. That is what people who become famous believe and if it’s good enough for them it sure is good enough for the rest of us! But it can be hard to do on your own and easier with help from mum or dad or a teacher.

Your child bullying others

If your child is hurting other children physically or emotionally and is doing it over and over again, this is bullying. Stepping in early is the key to helping your child learn how to get along with others and avoid bullying behavior in the future.

Bullying is:

• teasing other children over and over again
• ignoring other children or leaving them out of games or activities
• saying mean things or calling other children names
• spreading nasty stories about other children
• hitting and pushing other children
• taking other children’s things.

If children join in with bullying or encourage someone else to behave like this, it’s also bullying.

Bullying can happen face to face. It can also happen online – this is cyberbullying.

If your child is behaving in these ways with the intention of hurting other children physically or hurting their feelings, it might be time to talk with him about bullying. It’s best to do something about bullying sooner rather than later, it’s really important to get her the helps she needs to stop. You have the most influence on your child’s bullying behavior while he’s young – the younger he is, the more likely he is to change the way he acts. This can help your child avoid becoming a victim of bullying himself/herself. It can also help her avoid problems with antisocial behavior, workplace harassment, child abuse, sexual harassment and substance abuse later in life.

Signs that your child is bullying other kids

If your child is bullying, someone will probably tell you – a teacher, another child’s parents, or one of your child’s siblings.

Other signs of your child bullying include your child:

• talking about other children in an aggressive or negative way
• having money, toys or other things that don’t belong to her.

Neither of these signs means your child is definitely bullying, but you might want to talk to your child’s teacher to find out if there have been any problems at school.

What to do about your child bullying

Working on bullying at home

It’s important to tell your child that his bullying behavior is not OK. Try to be calm about it, but make sure he knows that you want it to end.

Here’s how to start:

• Explain to your child what bullying is. Talk with your child about what she’s doing and why she might be doing it. Listen to her, and try to avoid blame.
• Help your child understand how his behavior affects others – for example ‘Would you like someone to do that to you?’ or ‘How do you think that made the other person feel?’
• Keep an eye on your child’s use of the internet and mobile phones.

Working on bullying with the school

It’s also important to talk to the school (or club or organization where the bullying is happening) about its policy or guidelines for bullying. They’ll use these to decide the consequences for your child.

If you support the school or organization’s decision, it sends a strong message to your child that bullying behavior is not OK. You can also ask what you can do from home to support the decision, and then check in with the school or organization regularly.

Thinking about why the bullying is happening

You could also look for reasons for the bullying. This might help you work out whether there’s something that you can change to help stop the bullying. For example:

• Is your child being bullied herself? Some children bully because they themselves have been bullied. Listen to your child for signs that she might be a victim of bullying.
• Is your child joining in bullying to avoid being bullied himself? Talk to the school or club about how your child can avoid being involved in bullying.
• Is your child seeing bullying at home or in other settings, or in TV programs or YouTube videos? Sometimes bullying happens because children see others doing it.
• Is your child bullying to feel more important or in control? Some children bully because they have low self-esteem.
• Is your child misunderstanding messages about ‘standing up for herself’? Sometimes positive comments about being aggressive or assertive can encourage children to bully.

What to do if your child continues to bully

If this isn’t the first time your child has bullied, and you’ve already tried the suggestions above, you might need to take further steps.

If the bullying is happening at school or a club, working with the organization will give you the best chance of changing your child’s behavior.

Behavior contract

A ‘behavior contract’ is made between you, the school or other organization, and your child. It lets your child know that you’re all working together. The contract can include things like what will happen if your child bullies and what will happen if she stops bullying. You could also include things she could do instead of bullying.

As part of the contract, you might get your child to write an apology letter to the child he has been bullying.

Counseling

Your child might need counseling to help her stop bullying and develop more positive ways of relating to other children. Counseling can really help if your child is having trouble with self-esteem, dealing with anger or controlling her impulses.

If the bullying is happening at school, the school might offer counseling or refer you to someone else.

How to prevent bullying in the future

Preventing bullying is about teaching children how to get on well with others by showing empathy, respect and care for others.

The best way to do this is by being a role model for your child, and making sure that your child always sees you treating others with respect and kindness.

Building your child’s self-esteem can help. To do this, you could let your child try lots of different activities, and encourage and support him in anything he likes. It might be sports, art, music, drama or something entirely different.

As part of building your child’s self-esteem, try giving your child lots of positive attention. Children who get this kind of attention are less likely to bully. Children who feel unloved or who experience violence in their families are more likely to bully.

Discipline can help too. This means setting limits and using consequences for your child’s behavior, and reinforcing the good behavior when it happens.

And if you want your child to learn how to resolve conflicts without bullying, your child needs to see you managing your own conflicts constructively.