Whiny kids

Many children have difficulty regulating and express their emotions (anger and frustration) in words. Tantrums, outbursts, whining, defiance and fighting are all behaviors you see when kids experience powerful feelings they can’t control. They are a normal part of child development and most frequently occur in kids between the ages of 2 and 3. Whining and mood swings are just part of growing up. Whining and mood swings are signs of the emotional changes taking place as your child struggles to take control of actions, impulses, feelings, and his body. At this age, your child wants to explore the world and seek adventure. As a result, he’ll spend most of his time testing limits—his own, yours, and his environment’s. Unfortunately, he still lacks many of the skills required for the safe accomplishment of everything he needs to do, and he often will need you to protect him.

Whining can wear you down. Whining can even put you in embarrassing situations – for example, ‘Why can’t we buy that toy?’ It can be hard to say no when you know that giving in will bring your child instant pleasure or bring you instant relief from repeated requests, whingeing or temper tantrums.

But if you give in, your child learns that whining works. And this means he’ll keep whining.

When he oversteps a limit and is pulled back, he often reacts with anger and frustration, possibly with a temper tantrum or sullen rage. He may even strike back by hitting, biting, or kicking. At this age, he just doesn’t have much control over his emotional impulses, so his anger and frustration tend to erupt suddenly in the form of crying, hitting, or screaming. It’s his only way of dealing with the difficult realities of life. He may even act out in ways that unintentionally harm himself or others. It’s all part of being two.

Have sitters or relatives ever told you that your child never behaves badly when they’re caring for him? It’s not uncommon for toddlers to be angels when you’re not around, because they don’t trust these other people enough to test their limits. But with you, your toddler will be willing to try things that may be dangerous or difficult, because he knows you’ll rescue him if he gets into trouble.

Whatever protest pattern he has developed around the end of his first year probably will persist for some time. For instance, when you’re about to leave him with a sitter, he may become angry and throw a tantrum in anticipation of the separation. Or he may whimper, or whine and cling to you. Or he simply could become subdued and silent. Whatever his behavior, try not to overreact by scolding or punishing him. The best tactic is to reassure him before you leave that you will be back and, when you return, to praise him for being so patient while you were gone. Take solace in the fact that separations should be much easier by the time he’s three years old.

The more confident and secure your two-year-old feels, the more independent and well behaved he’s likely to be. You can help him develop these positive feelings by encouraging him to behave more maturely. To do this, consistently set reasonable limits that allow him to explore and exercise his curiosity, but that draw the line at dangerous or antisocial behavior. With these guidelines, he’ll begin to sense what’s acceptable and what’s not. To repeat, the key is consistency. Praise him every time he plays well with another child, or whenever he feeds, dresses, or undresses himself without your help, or when you help him to start with the activity and he completes it by himself. As you do, he’ll start to feel good about these accomplishments and himself. With his self-esteem on the rise, he’ll also develop an image of himself as someone who behaves a certain way—the way that you have encouraged—and negative behavior will fade.

Since two-year-olds normally express a broad range of emotions, be prepared for everything from delight to rage. If you’re struggling to handle your toddler’s behavior or if nothing seems to work, talk to your doctor. However, you should consult your pediatrician if your child seems very passive or withdrawn, perpetually sad, or highly demanding and unsatisfied most of the time. These could be signs of depression, caused either by some kind of hidden stress or biological problems. If your doctor suspects depression, she’ll probably refer your child to a mental health professional for a consultation.

Why do kids whine?

Children ask for things all the time – it’s a natural part of growing up and learning about the exciting world around them. But when your child keeps asking for something repeatedly even after you’ve said ‘no’, it’s whining. Whining can wear you down. It’s hard to stand your ground, especially in a public place like a supermarket.

To your child, the world is full of interesting things. In shopping centers, they’re often at your child’s eye level. Children are also easily influenced by clever marketing of children’s products – for example, toys and unhealthy food. And it can be hard for children to understand that some pretty, shiny or yummy things aren’t good for them or are a waste of money.

All of this can lead to whining – ‘Can I have a lolly?’, ‘I want a toy!’, ‘Please, please, please!’

Most children pester their parents for things they can’t have, like junk food at the supermarket or toys in a shopping center. In fact, ‘pester power’ is an important marketing tool for manufacturers. Advertising on children’s television and placing products in view of young children in the shops is a proven way of increasing sales because children pester their parents to buy them. Parents giving into their children’s whining is one of the causes of child overweight and obesity in the US.

Whining is very common. One survey found children in Australia ask their parents for something in the supermarket once every three minutes, on average. Parents give in and say yes more than 50% of the time.

In toddlers, being told ‘no’ can lead to whingeing or tantrums. That’s because at this age the disappointment can be too much for a child to bear. But it’s important not to give in, as that will teach your child that pestering works and make them more likely to pester in future.

How to prevent whining

Children are more likely to whine if they know it will work. The key to preventing whining is consistency. If you are consistent, your child knows you mean what you say and will be less likely to ask again. If you are inconsistent, your child knows there is a chance they will get what they want, so they will keep pushing.

Before you go to the shops, lay down some ground rules and tell your child what behavior you expect. Praise their good behavior and offer a healthy reward, like a play in the park, if they can get through the trip without asking you for something.

Try not to say ‘no’ too often. If you only say ‘no’ to things that really matter, your child will be more likely to listen.

It can also help to protect your child from advertising, both in the home and through product placement at the shops. The more they see these products, the more they will want them. Distract them or offer them an alternative.

Encouraging good behavior

It is up to you to model good behavior for your toddler. That means being honest with your child, listening to their point of view, and keeping your word. Try not to change your mind when you have offered a reward or a consequence – remember, consistency is the key.

Use simple instructions so your child understands, pick your battles, and don’t lose your sense of humor.

How to deal with toddler whining

Whining can be particularly stressful when it leads to a tantrum in a public place. Don’t be tempted to give in because there are strangers watching. Stay calm and forget your audience. It’s likely that most will be watching with empathy, and that they’ve probably been through it too!

Parents can start by helping children understand how their emotions work. Kids don’t go from calm to sobbing on the floor in an instant. That emotion built over time, like a wave. Kids can learn control by noticing and labeling their feelings earlier, before the wave gets too big to handle.

Some kids are hesitant to acknowledge negative emotions. A lot of kids are growing up thinking anxiety, anger, sadness are bad emotions. But naming and accepting these emotions is a foundation to problem-solving how to manage them.

Parents may also minimize negative feelings, because they want their kids to be happy. But children need to learn that we all have a range of feelings. You don’t want to create a dynamic that only happy is good.

Stay calm, manage your temper by breathing slowly and counting to 10, and use these techniques to help you cope.

When your child asks for something, make sure they use their manners. Don’t give in to threats, demands or whining and never give them something unless they ask for it nicely.

You do not have to say ‘no’ to everything your child asks for. Listen to your child’s request, praise them for asking politely, and take a moment to consider it. If you don’t want them to have something, explain the reasons why.

Even if they ask nicely, the answer might still be ‘no’. For example, you might not want them to eat a certain food, or you might not be able to afford the toy they want. It is important that your child understands that ‘no’ means ‘no’.

Don’t say ‘no’ unless you mean it. If you say ‘no’, stick to it. Try to distract your child from asking again with a new activity, a game or a trip somewhere else. A bath, music or a story can help to calm down the situation.

If the whining turns into a full-blown tantrum, stay calm, ignore the behavior and move away – but stay within sight so your toddler doesn’t feel abandoned. If you are in a public place, you can pick up your child and take them to a quiet, safe place to calm down.

When they are calm, give them a cuddle and talk about it. But make it clear they still cannot have the thing they want.

Reducing whining

You can take steps to make whining less likely to happen in the first place:

• Lay down some ground rules before you go shopping. Talk with your child about what behavior you expect and how you’ll respond to any whining.
• One of the best ways to teach your preschooler anything is to show him by example. If you speak in a calm, patient voice around your child, he’ll be more inclined to do the same. So try to think about the voice you use not only when talking to your child, but also whenever he can overhear you talking to others.
• Praise your child for good shopping behavior. Give her lots of positive attention so she knows you’ve noticed she’s not whining. For example, ‘I’m really proud of how you helped me shop and didn’t ask for things we can’t get’.
• Offer healthy rewards for good shopping behavior. For example, ‘If you can get through this shopping trip without asking for stuff, we’ll stop at the park on the way home’.
• Be aware of advertising in your home – for example, through the TV, radio, internet, junk mail, apps and social media. The more product advertising your child sees, the more he’ll want those products.
• Talk with your child about advertising and smart shopping. For example, you could talk about how free toys might make you want to buy some fast food products.
• Make decisions as a family about what you’ll buy. You can remind children of these decisions when you’re shopping. For example, ‘Remember we decided not to buy soft drink for a while? That way we’re all taking better care of our teeth’.

Handling whining

If your child pesters or tries to get you to buy things by whining, demanding or threatening, you could try the following:

• Remind your child of the ground rules you discussed.
• Let your child know you won’t consider the request until she uses her manners. For example, you could say, ‘Dani, use your nice voice’ or ‘Think about how you’re asking that question’.
• Don’t say yes or no until you’re happy with the way you’ve been asked.
• Make sure your child sees that you’ve heard and understood. This way, your child will be more likely to accept your answer. For example, you could say, ‘Yes, they do look delicious’.
• When you say no, stick to it. Giving in to whining can teach children to do it more. If you say no and then give in, your child gets the message that whining and whining can work.
• Acknowledge your child’s disappointment if you’ve said no. For example, ‘I can see you really wanted those biscuits. But we’ve already had enough treats today’. Conversations like these send a message of empathy and can help you and your child move on.
• After saying no, try to distract your child with something else. For example, ‘We need oranges. Can you help me find them?’

Define whining

Make sure your child knows what you’re talking about when you ask him to stop whining. Label whining when you hear it, and ask your child to use his normal voice instead. Explain that whining can sound annoying, and makes people stop listening. If he has trouble hearing the difference between a whine and a normal voice, show him using role-play.

You could also use dolls to role-play a conversation between a whiny child and his parent, or act it out together, taking turns to play each part. Hearing you at your whiniest will at least make your child laugh! And it’ll make him think about the tone of voice he uses, too.

Acknowledge your child’s need for attention

Your preschooler may resort to whining if he feels that he’s failed to get your attention by speaking normally. That’s why you’ll often hear him whine when you’re trying to talk to a friend, do your shopping list, or finish off that important bit of work.

Whenever your child asks for something nicely respond to him as soon as you can, even if you’re busy. You don’t have to drop everything and do what he wants, but you can acknowledge him and let him know you’ll be available soon. Make eye contact, tell him that you’ve heard him and thank him for asking so nicely.

Try coming up with a sign that your preschooler can use when he wants your attention, but you’re talking to someone else. For example, he could put his hand on your arm. Then, you could cover his hand with yours to let him know that you’re aware that he’s waiting. If he knows that you will be with him soon, he may be able to stay quieter while he waits.

A good rule of thumb is that your child may not be able to wait for more minutes than his age. For example, if he’s three, he’s likely to find it difficult to wait for anything for more than three minutes. So don’t ask him to wait too long. And if he waits patiently, be sure to give him lots of praise.

Talk about his feelings

Your preschooler may whine because he can’t fully express his feelings yet. You can help him to identify and name his emotions. For example, you could say, “I can see that you’re feeling upset. Is it because I can’t take you to the park this afternoon?” This will help you to start a conversation about what he needs.

Try filling your child’s request once

A whining child does indeed need your attention for at least a moment or two. At first, you won’t really know whether getting the thing he asks for will help him feel connected and capable again, or not. His request may seem reasonable to you—a drink of water, help with his shoes, one more turn listening to his favorite music. If giving him the thing he wants makes sense to you, go ahead and try it once. But if more whining follows, you can be sure that the real problem is his emotional “weather.” A storm is coming.

If he’s not satisfied, offer closeness and a clear limit

The cold tone that most of us use when we say, “No,” serves to make a child feel even more alone and adrift in an uncaring world. It deepens the rut your child is whining in.

If you can say, “Nope, no more cookies! Maybe tomorrow!” with a big grin and a kiss on the cheek, your child receives contact from you in place of cookies. If he whines some more, you can come back and say, “Nah, nah, nah, nah!” and nuzzle into his neck, ending with a little kiss. If he persists, bring him still more affection, “I’m your chocolate chip cookie! I’m all yours!” with a big grin. Then throw your arms around him and scoop him up. At some point, the affection you’re offering will tip him toward either laughter or a tantrum.

Both results, as odd as it may seem, are great for him. Laughter, tears, and tantrums help dissolve that shell of separateness that can enclose a child, as long as you listen and care. After a good cry (you listen, and keep sweetly saying, “No, James, no more cookies,” until he’s finished crying), or a good tantrum (“Yes, you really want one, I know, son”), or a good laugh (“I’m coming to give you big cookie kisses!”), he will feel your love for him again.

If you can’t be playful, be attentive

Playful moments don’t come easily to you when your children whine. So if you can’t find a way to nuzzle your child or respond with humor to his whiny requests, it will work well to come close and keep saying, with as little irritation as you can manage, “No,” “You need to wait,” “I can’t let you do that,” “He’s playing with it now,” or “You’ll get a turn, but not yet.”

Being very clear about the limit, and offering eye contact, a hand on his shoulder or knee, and whatever warmth you can muster, will help your child work himself into the cry or the tantrum or laughter he needs to do. Children know how to release feelings of upset. To get started, they just need us to pay attention to them long enough to communicate that we’ll stay with them through this rough patch.

Allow for laughter, tantrums, or tears for as long as you have time and patience

Children whine when lots of feelings have backed up inside them. When they finally break into a good wail or thrash, they may be working through more than the frustration of not getting the cookie or the red truck. They may be draining the tension from issues like having a younger brother or sister, having to say goodbye to you every morning, or having just gotten over an illness. In any case, children need to shed bad feelings until they don’t feel bad any longer.

If the pile of feelings is high, this can take some time. Parents don’t always have the time a child needs to finish the emotional task at hand. You may manage to listen to fifteen or twenty minutes of crying, and then feel the need to stop your child. If your child’s mood doesn’t improve, he wasn’t finished. It’s as hard for a child to have an unfinished cry as it is to be awakened in the middle of a nap. He’ll try to find a way to cry again soon. Something inside him knows that it will be good to finish the job. So listen again when you can. Your child will eventually finish his emotional episode, and make gains in confidence that both of you can enjoy.

Be consistent

Let your preschooler know that whining won’t get him what he wants, even if his demand is reasonable. Say something like, “I can’t understand you when you talk like that. Please use your normal voice, and I’ll be happy to listen.”

Even if you’re irritated, try to keep your voice level, and use a kind but firm tone. If your preschooler carries on whining, try a visual cue: turn away from your child when he whines. Then, when he repeats the question in a normal voice, turn towards him with a nod and a smile.

When your child does use his normal voice respond to him immediately, so that he learns that this voice is the one that works.

You don’t have to give him what he wants just because he asks without whining, though. Be sympathetic and appreciative: “I’m sorry but you can’t play now because it’s time for bed. Thank you for asking so nicely though!”

Avoid triggers

Feeling hungry, tired, thirsty or unwell may make your child grumpy and demanding. There are bound to be times when he just can’t help whining, and that’s understandable at his age. But it will help him if you can think ahead to situations that will make him whiny, and do your best to make them easier for him.

Taking him into the biscuit aisle of the supermarket before he’s had dinner is sure to trigger some frustrated whining! Give your child a small meal before you go out, or pack some healthy snacks he can eat on the way or in the shop. Try to avoid running errands or visiting friends at the end of the day, when he’s tired and ready to wind down.

Staying calm when children whine

Whining can be frustrating and annoying. If you feel that whining is getting the better of you, this exercise might help:

1. Stop.
2. Count to 10.
3. Now respond to your child.

That extra 10 seconds is often enough to calm you down.

The hard part about trying the experiments above is that whining triggers all kinds of irrational feelings inside of you. Whining kicks up feelings of resentment, exhaustion, and anger in parents.

You feel like you’re being manipulated. You feel helpless.

When your feelings surge, you don’t think logically either. You react, usually behaving the way your parents reacted to your whining. The reactions you have to whining have been passed down through the generations in your families, each generation usually doing a milder version than the generation before it.

So it takes some mental preparation to decide to move toward a whining child and offer connection, rather than placate him or punish him.

Every parent deserves someone to listen to how hard it can be to care for a child or children. So finding ways to be heard by another adult who won’t get worried or try to “fix” us is an important part of our job as parents.

Don’t give in

Do your best to be indifferent to your child’s whining, or at least pretend to be. If you’re tired and stressed yourself, you may feel like giving in just to make him stop. But you don’t want him to think that whining works, so stick to your principles and stay calm. The long-term gains will be well worth it.

Saying, “Oh, go ahead, do whatever you want!” may bring immediate relief from that annoying whinge. But you’ll hear a lot more whining in the future if your child thinks that it’s a reliable way to get what he wants. Staying firm will teach him that whining doesn’t work, and encourage him to find other ways to express his feelings.

If your child’s tantrums ever get physical, learn how to deal with aggression in preschoolers.

Toddler constantly crying

All children cry when they’re hungry, tired, uncomfortable, sick or in pain. Sometimes they cry because they need affection. Toddlers and older children might also cry because they’re frustrated, sad or angry, for example. But it can sometimes be hard to work out what your crying child needs, especially if she isn’t talking yet. So when your child cries, start by checking that he isn’t sick or hurt. If you’re not sure, make an appointment with your doctor.

If your child is crying for another reason, there are lots of things you can do to help. However, never shake, hit or hurt a crying child. If you feel like you might hurt your child, stop before you do anything. Walk away and take some deep breaths. Call someone for help.

Toddlers cry for the same reasons as babies. But toddlers also cry as a way of dealing with new and difficult emotions like frustration, embarrassment or jealousy.

Crying in babies and children is one of the most common reasons parents seek professional help. If your child is crying a lot, you might be feeling very low, or even depressed. If you feel like this or are having thoughts about hurting your child, it’s important to seek help straight away.

Sometimes it helps to have another person take over for a while. If you can, ask your partner to come home, or get a friend or relative to come over and help out.

How to manage your toddler’s crying

If your child is physically OK, the following tips might help:

• If you think your child might be tired, a rest might help. Or you could give her some quiet time listening to music or a story.
• If the crying happens at bedtime, you might need some help settling your child.
• If your child is angry or having a tantrum, take him somewhere safe to calm down.
• If your child is frustrated, try to work out a solution together. For example, ‘You’re frustrated because the blocks keep falling over. Let’s try again together’. Naming an emotion lets your child know that you understand her feelings. It also helps her learn self-regulation.
• If your toddler is just cranky, try a change of scenery like a walk outside, give him a bubble bath, or put on some kids’ music and dance around together. You might be surprised how much fun you have.

Preschoolers and school-age children crying

Children tend to cry less as they get older. Once your child can talk, it’s much easier for her to use words to tell you why she’s upset and what she needs. It’s also likely to be easier for you to talk with her about her feelings.

How to manage your preschooler’s or school-age child’s crying

If your child is physically OK, try the following ideas:

• Give your child a chance to calm down, then ask him what has made him so upset. Show you’re listening by repeating his feelings back to him. For example, ‘You’re feeling sad because Sam wouldn’t play with you’.
• Offer your child some other ways to deal with the situation. For example, ‘How about you ask to join in Jai’s game instead?’
• Make sure your child understands that sometimes it’s OK to cry – for example, when something sad happens or when she gets hurt. For example, ‘Ouch, I’d be crying too if I hit my head’.

If your child seems to spend a lot of time crying and acting sad, consider asking your doctor for advice.