Toddler discipline

Discipline is about helping your child learn how to behave – as well as how not to behave. Discipline works best when you have a warm and loving relationship with your child. Kids begin knowing what “no” means at around seven months on average and once they can speak, many go through a stage where it becomes their favorite word to use. Unfortunately, parents can also count on kids going through a stage where they gleefully ignore when mom or dad says no, and other attempts and discipline. That’s because it is natural for them to start pushing boundaries — testing their independence and trying to explore the world on their own terms.

Discipline doesn’t mean punishment. In fact, discipline and discipline strategies are positive. They’re built on talking and listening, and they guide children towards:

• knowing what behavior is appropriate, whether it’s at home, a friend’s house, child care, preschool or school
• managing their own behavior and developing important skills like the ability to get along well with others
• learning to understand, manage and express their feelings.

Physical punishment, for example, smacking or spanking – doesn’t teach children how to behave. Spanking isn’t good for children’s wellbeing and doesn’t help them learn to follow rules. When parents use physical punishment, children are more likely to have challenging behavior, anxiety or depression. There’s also a risk that spanking might hurt your child.

Sometimes children behave in challenging ways to express big feelings. When this happens it’s good to try talking with your child about his feelings or you can talk afterwards when he’s calm. When you help your child to understand his feelings, it helps him to manage his feelings and behavior.

Choosing an approach to discipline is about finding the right balance. Not enough discipline can leave children feeling insecure and parents feeling out of control. Too much negative discipline, and not enough praise and rewards, might get children behaving well, but out of fear. This can lead to problems with children’s self-esteem and anxiety later in life.

Discipline works best when it’s firm but fair. This means you set limits and consequences for your child’s behavior, while also encouraging good behavior with praise, rewards and other strategies.

Your approach to discipline will also depend on things like your parenting style, your child’s stage of development and your child’s temperament.

Here are four steps towards discipline and better child behavior

Clear expectations for your child’s behavior are the foundation of discipline for your child. Here’s how to get started.

1. Decide on family rules

A good place to start is with 4-5 family rules. For example, your family rules might be things like:

• We speak nicely to each other.
• We look after other people.
• Everyone helps out around the house.
• We look after our own belongings.

Children as young as three can help you make the rules and talk about why your family needs them.

2. Be a role model for the behavior you expect

Children learn by watching what you do. Showing your child the behavior you like by doing it yourself will help your child learn. For example, if you want your child to sit down to eat, sitting down together to eat family meals can help children learn this behavior.

3. Praise your child for good behavior

Praise is when you tell your child what you like about her or her behavior. When your child gets praise for behaving well, she’s likely to want to keep behaving well.

Descriptive praise is when you tell your child exactly what it is that you like. It’s best for encouraging good behavior. For example, ‘Ali, I really like how you used please and thank you just then. Great manners!’

4. Set clear limits and consequences

Decide on a consequence for breaking a family rule. For example, if your eight-year-old hasn’t done his household chores, the consequence might be the loss of pocket money for the week.

When you use consequences in the same way and for the same behavior every time, your child knows what to expect.

General principles of discipline

While every child is different, most children need to be given consistent, clear rules and expectations about behavior. The following are some general principles about discipline:

• Discipline needs to begin as soon as the child is mobile ? pulling up and crawling.
• Young infants rely on their parents to provide a safe environment.
• Discipline should be age-focused and should teach age-appropriate behaviors.
• Try to recognize and praise your child when he or she is being good.
• Be a good role model for your child.
• After the discipline occurs, hug your child. Make sure the child knows it is the behavior you are not happy with, not the child.
• Physical punishment is not needed or appropriate.
• Rewards for good behavior should be immediate.

Decrease unwanted behavior

It is important to remember not to reward a child or give positive reinforcement for a bad behavior. For example, if a child is having a temper tantrum, giving him or her a cookie to be quiet is rewarding the child for the bad behavior. In order to help decrease the chance of bad behavior, consider the following:

• Do not reinforce the behavior; simply ignore the child.
• The behavior may have to result in an unpleasant consequence, such as punishment.
• Active punishment has two forms, including the following:
  • Denying the child privileges or desired activities, such as decreasing TV time or no dessert
  • Undesirable or uncomfortable activities can be required of the child, such as doing chores or having “time-out”
• The behavior can result in natural consequences. For example, a child who will not eat may go to bed hungry.
• It is generally accepted that spanking and other forms of physical punishment are not helpful. These types of discipline teach the child aggressive behaviors and poor conflict management.

Methods of discipline

Discipline methods often depend on the age of the child, and how much the child understands his or her behavior.

A big part of discipline in the early years is simply keeping kids safe. For example, don’t touch the oven, don’t pull on the cat’s tail, don’t run into the street, but it is actually more helpful to tell children what you do want them to do, instead. Kids know what ‘no’ means, but they don’t necessarily know what to do next after you say no, so you always want to make sure that you have an alternative for them. Saying, “Keep your hands to yourself” or “Use gentle hands” makes that clear. By setting consistent limits early, parents are also laying the groundwork for good behavior in the future.

Setting limits has other benefits, too. Telling children which behaviors you do — and don’t — want to see actually makes kids feel more secure, because it reminds them that you’re in charge and guides them to the areas where they should be developing their skills and independence such as playing with the plastic tea set and not trying to touch the real one.

Rules are also a way to help kids begin to consider the perspective of others, or at least set the stage for empathy. Two-year-olds might be too egocentric to comprehend how others feel, but they can begin to learn that sharing is a nice thing to do and practice handing grandma a toy.

But how should parents share rules with children, and how can those rules be enforced — particularly when children are very young and might not understand the concept of consequences?

The ways that you use discipline will change depending on what’s happening for your child at different stages of development.

The following are some suggestions for discipline techniques for each age group:

Babies

Babies do things to test their developing skills. They also enjoy making things happen. For example, your baby probably likes getting a reaction when he pulls your hair. But babies don’t understand consequences. They also don’t know the difference between right and wrong.

This means that negative consequences, or punishment, don’t work for babies. Instead, babies need warm, loving care so they feel secure. So when your baby pulls your hair, you might say ‘no’ and show him how to touch your hair gently. You’ll probably need to do this over and over again because your baby might not remember from one time to the next.

• Safety is the main concern.
• Infants will respond to a loud, firm voice saying “no.”
• Provide a safe environment that decreases the chances of things being broken by the child.
• After saying “no,” direct your child to an acceptable behavior, such as a toy.
• Do not reward bad behavior. Ignore temper tantrums, but confront other problems, such as biting or hitting.
• Praise and reward good behavior.

Toddlers

Toddlers often struggle with big feelings like frustration and anger. Their social and emotional skills are only just starting to develop, and they might be testing out their growing independence.

You can help your child behave well by tuning in to his feelings, changing the environment, distracting him and planning ahead for challenging situations.

Preschoolers

• Preschoolers need clear and consistent rules.
• This age group needs time to prepare for the next activity. Give your child a warning before it is time to stop playing.
• Preschoolers need lots of explanation as to why things are being done.
• Use time-out for bad behavior.
• Use praise for good behavior.

School-aged children

School-aged children need the above rules and guidelines plus the following:

• Give your child chances to explain his or her side and opinion and opportunities to express his or her feelings and concerns.
• Give your child choices.
• Give your child chances to help solve problems together regarding his or her behavior.

Adolescents

• This age group needs patient and understanding parents as they test all limits.
• Adolescents need to be told the long-term outcomes of bad behaviors.
• Adolescents need to be involved with limit-setting, based on their maturity.

Toddler behavior management

Toddlers often struggle with big feelings like frustration and anger. Their social and emotional skills are only just starting to develop, and they might be testing out their growing independence. You can help your child behave well by tuning in to his feelings, changing the environment, distracting him and planning ahead for challenging situations.

Behavior management is about guiding your child’s behavior so that she/he learns the appropriate way to behave. A positive and constructive approach is often the best way to guide your child’s behavior. This means giving your child attention when he behaves well, rather than just punishing him when he does something you don’t like.

But it’s normal for children to behave in challenging ways at different stages and in particular situations. So trying to understand your child’s behavior is an important step in managing it. This way you can choose a reliable behavior management option that’s well matched to the causes of your child’s behavior.

And if you use behavior management strategies at the same time as you nurture strong family relationships, you’re well on your way to helping your child learn about appropriate behavior.

Understanding is the first step to child behavior management

If you can understand why your child is behaving in a particular way, you can work out how best to respond. So before you choose behavior management strategies, it’s a good idea to check a few things.

1. First, if your child’s behavior changes suddenly, check whether your child is healthy and getting enough sleep. Sometimes challenging behavior is the first sign that children aren’t well. If you’re not sure, take your child to your doctor for a check-up.
2. Next think about your child’s development. It’s good to keep in mind that different kinds of challenging behavior are normal at different stages of development. For example, tantrums are very common in toddlers and preschoolers, because at this age children have big feelings and not enough words to express them.
3. Third, consider whether there have been any changes in your family life that might affect your child’s behavior. For example, challenging behavior is normal after the birth of a new baby, when children start school or after a death in the family.

Understanding the developmental reasons and emotions behind your child’s behavior doesn’t mean you can ignore challenging behavior, but it does help you work out how to respond. Also, knowing what’s typical at different stages and in different circumstances helps you know whether you need extra help with your child’s behavior.

Choosing behavior management tools that are right for you

No single behavior management strategy will fix everything. Some strategies might work better than others for your family and situation. You’ll probably have to use a few strategies in combination.

If you’re finding the strategies hard to use or they’re not working for you, it’s a good idea to seek support from your doctor or a parenting hotline.

If you’re managing challenging behavior in children with autism spectrum disorder, you might need extra support.

Tried and tested behavior management strategies

When you’re choosing behavior management strategies to guide your child’s behavior, you want options that will work. You want the behavior management options that are based on reliable research evidence. And they’ve been tried and tested many times in many practical family situations. However, you might still have to try a few different options to work out what best suits your child’s age and stage and your family circumstances.

Behavior management strategies work best when you’re putting time and effort into building a positive atmosphere at home and strengthening your family relationships with affection and communication.

Good family relationships help your child feel secure and loved. This is what children need to grow and learn.

Looking after yourself

Managing children’s challenging behavior isn’t always easy. When you look after yourself with healthy food, rest and exercise, you’ll feel better and find it easier to stay calm and respond to your child’s behavior.

Requests and instructions

A request is when you ask your child to do something. For example, ‘Will you help me fold this washing?’ Or ‘Do you want to wear your coat? It’s cold today’. Your child can choose to say yes or no to a request. Requests give your child choices and a sense of control, which might make your child more likely to cooperate.

An instruction is when you tell your child to do something. For example, ‘Please help me fold this washing now’ or ‘Please put your coat on when we go out’. This tells your child what you want him to do and when. You’re not giving your child the option of saying no. Instructions are often important for safety – for example, ‘Hold my hand while we cross the road’. And learning to follow instructions helps your child prepare for preschool and school. But children can feel overwhelmed or rebellious if there are too many instructions.

So try using requests more often than instructions.

It’s important to be clear about whether you’re asking or telling your child to do something. If you say something like, ‘Why can’t anyone help me tidy up in here?’ it’s harder for your child to know what to do. She might not know whether you’re asking for her help, telling her what to do, or complaining that no-one is helping.

If what you want isn’t clear, your child probably won’t get it!

Requests or instructions?

Instructions and requests are both important, and it’s best to use a mix of instructions and requests.

Giving effective instructions:

Instructions can be hard for your child. These ideas can help you get more cooperation when you need to give instructions. Give only one instruction at a time for younger children.

If you’re firm and consistent your child will eventually learn that sometimes she needs to do things she doesn’t want to do to help your family, get praise, avoid discomfort or get what she wants. This is an important step in developing self-discipline and independence.

Ensure you have your child’s attention. Getting your child’s attention will help make sure he’s listening. You can do this by:

• moving in close – within 2 meters is ideal
• getting down to your child’s eye level
• using your child’s name
• using a low and calm voice
• asking your child to repeat the instructions back to you.

Use clear language. Instructions should be clear, short and appropriate for your child’s age. For example, for a toddler you might say ‘Toys away’. But for a five-year old you could say ‘Please put your toys away now’.

Be positive. Positive instructions help your child succeed because they tell her exactly what you want her to do. For example, say ‘Please chew with your mouth closed’ instead of ‘Don’t eat like that’.

Give instructions that include options. This can increase the chances of your child doing what you ask, because it gives your child some choice. For example, ‘It’s bath time. Do you want bubbles or no bubbles?’ Or ‘It’s time to get dressed – the red pants or the blue ones?’

Be prepared to repeat yourself. Children often need reminders. For example, ‘Sam, I’m telling you again. Put your shoes on now’. You can try adding an incentive or reason for your child to do as he’s told. For example, ‘If you put your shoes on quickly, we’ll have more time at the park’. For a younger child you might say ‘First shoes, then park’.

Use consequences. If your child won’t follow your instructions, you can use consequences for children over three. For example, ‘Please put your other toys away before I get out the paints’. The consequence might be no painting – very boring! – until your child tidies up.

Helping your child learn to cooperate with requests and instructions

It can take time for children to learn to cooperate with instructions and requests. These ideas might help things along:

• Keep using the same, familiar words – for example, ‘Listen Jamie’, ‘You need to’ and ‘Now please’. These words act as cues, and eventually your child will understand.
• Give your child praise and encouragement when he does cooperate – for example, ‘Great job, I couldn’t have done it without you’.
• Set up daily routines. A routine can help your child get through repetitive daily tasks. Routines can also be particularly helpful for young children and children with additional needs.
• Try engaging your child in tasks by making them fun or part of a game. For example, ‘Beat the buzzer’ is a game that can help children get ready and out the door in the morning.

Why your child might not cooperate

If your child isn’t cooperating, it might be because you’re expecting more than she can do. You might need to teach your child skills or show her how to do things so she can cooperate.

There might be a good reason why your child won’t do what you’re asking – for example, because he feels unwell, tired or scared. Asking an over-tired and hungry child to clean up his room probably isn’t going to work. If your child isn’t cooperating for a good reason, you might need to change your instruction so your child is more likely to cooperate. For example, ‘After dinner, I want you to clean up your room’.

Sometimes children go through phases of refusing to cooperate at all. This is normal. Your child’s behavior will change as she develops. Try to be consistent, firm and loving and focus on getting your child to cooperate on the important things, like safety.

If your child has additional needs, it’s helpful to coach other people – for example, older siblings, extended family members and neighbors – so they know how to give your child effective requests and instructions.

Most children love attention – and many don’t mind whether it’s positive or negative. If your child is getting lots of negative attention for refusing to cooperate, he might keep behaving this way. Instead, try to give your child more attention for cooperation. Respond in a low-key way when he doesn’t cooperate.

Distraction a behavior management tool

Distraction is a simple way to manage children’s behavior. Distraction can help you avoid situations that might result in difficult behavior. Don’t use distraction if your child is very upset or has hurt someone.

Distraction is a simple strategy that’s good for situations when behavior might be a problem. For example, this might be when children:

• are getting cranky
• have been sitting still for a long time
• are having trouble sharing or taking turns with others.

Pointing out something interesting, starting a simple game, pulling funny faces – you’ve probably come up with many tricks like these to distract your child.

Distraction usually works. So it’s a great option for managing your child’s behavior in many situations.

Tips for distraction

Here are distraction tips that usually work for children of all ages:

• Give children something else to do. Introduce a new activity, toy or game, or even show children something new they can do with the toy they already have.
• Change the scene. Put children where they can see different things, or move them to a new spot either inside or outside.
• Think ahead. Have a few ideas for fun activities. It could be as simple as planning some outside play when you can see that children are getting bored inside.
• Sing some songs or rhymes together. This can be useful when you can’t stop what you’re doing, like when you’re driving or cooking.
• If you’re out and about, take some fun toys or books that you can pull out when you need them.

Distraction can work for older children too. Here are some ideas:

• Change the topic of conversation.
• Suggest a simple game or activity. For example, suggest your children try a jigsaw or a game of Uno if they say they have nothing to do.
• Suggest a break when things aren’t going well. For example, you could say, ‘Looks like you’re feeling frustrated with your drawing. What about riding your scooter instead?’

If you sense that your child is bored and needs distraction, why not encourage your child to come up with her own ideas? Making the most of boredom can be great for her creativity and problem-solving skills.

It’s easy to suggest screen time as a distraction. If you do this, it’s good to be clear about what you’re letting your child do. For example, be specific about what apps she can play with or what TV show she can watch, and for how long.

When not to use distraction

Distraction works best when you can see that your child might be about to do something wrong or get upset.

Distraction won’t help if your child:

• has hurt someone
• is having a tantrum
• is very upset.

In situations like these, it’s best to deal with the behavior directly. For example, if your child has hurt another child, it might be tempting to distract both children with toys or activities. But this doesn’t help your child understand that it isn’t OK to hurt other people. It might be better to use time-out, as long as your child is old enough to understand this consequence.

Also, trying to distract your child when he’s having a tantrum might send the message that his strong feelings aren’t important. It’s better to handle tantrums by acknowledging your child’s feelings.

Planned ignoring a behavior management tool

Planned ignoring is when you take your attention away from your child for a little while when your child behaves badly. Planned ignoring is paying no attention to a child when she’s misbehaving. It means not looking at her and not talking to her while she behaves that way. This can be a useful child behavior tool and needn’t feel like rejection.

For example, if you’re having a family meal and your child is bouncing up and down on his seat, you could leave him out of the conversation and not look at him until he stops. When he stops, you could say, ‘I love it when you sit still on your chair at dinner. Why don’t you tell us what you did at preschool today?’.

The key is to reward your child with lots of attention when she’s behaving well – but don’t give her any attention when she behaves badly. By consistently paying and withholding attention like this, you can help shape your child’s behavior.

Here are some tips for using planned ignoring:

• Completely ignore. Don’t look at your child or say anything while she’s misbehaving. Glances, smiles or even frowns can be rewarding. Saying ‘I am ignoring you!’ is not ignoring. Where it’s safe and practical, walk away from your child while she’s behaving badly.
• Start ignoring when the behavior starts. Stop ignoring when the behavior has been stopped for a while. This might mean 20 seconds of ignoring for a toddler and a few minutes of ignoring for older children. You can respond again when your child stops misbehaving.
• Plan some ways of distracting yourself if you think you’ll find it hard to ignore your child. You could put on some music, count in your head or plan your shopping list. Some simple breathing exercises can also help you feel in control and stay calm.
• Consistently pay attention to the behavior you want to see instead of the behavior you’re ignoring. This makes planned ignoring work better.

However, ignoring isn’t always the best option. Before deciding to ignore behavior, it’s a good idea to check a few things.

• Is the behavior rewarded by someone else’s attention? If the behavior is rewarded by someone else’s attention – for example, siblings or friends – it won’t make any difference if you ignore it. In this case, you might need to look at another behavior tool – for example, changing your child’s environment .
• Should you ignore the behavior? Some behavior might be rewarded by your attention, but you might not be able or willing to ignore it. You can’t ignore dangerous behavior or behavior that hurts others or damages property – for example, biting, hitting, pulling on the curtains or throwing things. In this case, a behavior tool like consequences or time-out might be appropriate.
• Can you ignore the behavior if it gets worse? Sometimes you might start ignoring behavior, but it gets worse and you end up giving it attention. For example, your child is tapping a block on a wooden floor, which you ignore. But then your child starts banging the block. If you criticize your child for banging the block, you run the risk of rewarding that behavior. This makes it more likely to happen again. In this situation, you could try simple breathing exercises while the banging is happening. But if you feel that you can’t ignore the behavior if it gets worse, it’s better not to try ignoring it in the first place.
• Can you ignore the behavior wherever it happens? If you ignore the behavior in one place but not another, you’ll get more of the behavior in the place you don’t want it. For example, if you ignore your child yelling at home but not at the supermarket, you might get more yelling at the supermarket. You could try planning ahead for the behavior at the supermarket.
• Can you ignore the behavior whenever it happens? This is crucial. If you ignore sometimes and not at other times, you can make it harder to change your child’s behavior. Rewarding your child’s behavior some of the time strengthens the behavior more than if the behavior is rewarded every time it happens. Planning ahead for your child’s behavior and stress management for you can help.
• Will other people ignore the behavior? If you have managed to successfully ignore a behavior, but your partner, friend or relative suddenly comes in and pays attention, your good work will be undone. Backing each other up is an important part of managing your children’s behavior, so it’s good if you and your partner can talk and agree on what behavior you’ll ignore.

Sometimes others will find it difficult to understand your use of planned ignoring and might not be able to do it. If you’re in this situation it’s better not to use ignoring.

Be prepared – behavior that’s ignored often gets worse before it gets better. Children might complain or nag more, hoping you’ll respond. You should consider this when deciding whether to use planned ignoring as a behavior tool.

Why does planned ignoring work?

Planned ignoring works because your attention is a big reward for your child.

If your child behaves in a particular way and gets your attention, he’s likely to behave that way again. But if you ignore the behavior, it’s less likely to happen again. So attention for good behavior usually leads to more good behavior, and no attention for bad behavior usually leads to less bad behavior.

Because your attention is such a big reward for your child, sometimes it doesn’t matter what kind of attention you give her. A reaction to bad behavior is better than no attention at all, so even criticism or disciplining could feel like a reward to your child – and can actually lead to more bad behavior.

Some children with autism spectrum disorder avoid interaction with others. For these children, it’s best not to use planned ignoring. Talk with your child’s doctor or therapist about other ways to manage your child’s behavior.

Should I tell my child I’m ignoring him?

It depends on whether telling your child might reward him with attention. For minor bad behavior, you might not say anything. Or you could explain once that you won’t respond when your child behaves in a particular way. Then ignore the behavior whenever it happens after that, without saying anything else.

Using routines to manage behavior

Routines help family members know who should do what, when, in what order and how often. For example, your children know that they take turns with loading and unloading the dishwasher each day. This can mean less conflict and fewer arguments about these kinds of boring activities. Routines help family life run smoothly and can help with children’s behavior. Routines don’t mean you and your family are rigid or inflexible. Changes and last-minute diversions are a normal part of life.

You can use routines to help children with regular activities and to plan for demanding times of the day. Talking about routines or involving children in creating them can help children understand and follow routines.

A routine can also help you plan for times and activities when your child often misbehaves, like when you’re shopping, driving or visiting. For example, a simple routine for driving might be listening to music or playing ‘I spy’ together, before your child looks at books by herself.

You can also build routines for young children around play, meals and sleep. When children have had enough good-quality sleep, nutritious food and plenty of play, they’re more likely to behave the way you want.

And routines help young children feel safe and secure. They need to feel safe and secure to develop confidence and learn, including learning about appropriate ways to behave.

Creating routines

Here are some tips to get you started with family routines:

• Plan routines for demanding times in the family day – for example, before and after work and school. Things often run more smoothly when you have a routine that gives everybody something to do or that keeps children busy while you get things done.
• Add some downtime into your child’s routine. This gives your child time for a sleep or rest, which can help with behavior. It also gives him time to learn to entertain himself.
• If you want to put time limits on some activities, like screen use, make this part of the routine. For example, children can watch TV or use their tablets, but only between 5 and 5.30 pm (or whatever suits your family).
• Link two or more activities together. This can help your child get through boring activities faster. It also works because doing one activity helps you remember to do the other one. For example, your child could clean teeth while having a bath.
• Talk about routines with your child. Even toddlers can understand simple, consistent explanations – for example, ‘First clean teeth. Then story time with Dad’. And for school-age children, discussions about routines can help them learn important things like how to be ready on time.
• Use language or ideas your child can understand to talk about your routine. For example, if your child is too young to understand time, try saying, ‘We only watch Play School’, instead of ‘We only watch half an hour of TV’.

Getting children to follow routines

So you’ve got a routine, but how do you get your child to follow it without complaining? Here are some ideas:

• Put up an illustrated poster of your routine where everyone can see it. Making the poster with your child could be fun and give you the chance to talk about the routine.
• Involve your child in parts of the routine that she can manage by herself – for example, washing her hands before eating.
• Find ways to remind your child to follow the routine without your help. For example, put a radio alarm clock in your child’s room. The music can be a signal that it’s time to wake up, time to start getting ready for school, or time to come out of the bedroom in the morning.
• Think about whether parts of the routine can be your child’s responsibility. Your child can learn new skills and help the family by doing household chores. For example, a preschooler could set the table.
• Watch out for and praise your child when he follows the routine without help.

Positive attention to improve behavior

Positive attention is when you respond to your child with warmth and interest. It helps your child feel secure and valued. When your child behaves well, give him lots of positive attention. Positive attention for behavior means catching your child being good and praising them. This makes the behavior more likely in future. Positive attention also helps your child feel secure and loved. It’s good for your relationship with your child. All children do best in an environment where they’re supported, encouraged and enjoyed. They grow and develop through repeated, positive interactions in their first relationships.

Positive attention is the way you show delight in your child and warmth in your relationship through:

• smiling at your child
• making eye contact and using caring facial expressions
• being physically gentle and caring with your child
• using words to celebrate and encourage your child
• showing interest in your child’s interests, activities and achievements.

Your attention is a big reward for your child. If your child behaves in a particular way and gets your attention, she’s likely to behave that way again.

When you give attention for good behavior, it shows your child that behaving in a way that you like will get positive interest. This means you can use attention to encourage the behavior you want.

When you start paying attention to good behavior, you might realize how often your child already behaves well. You might also find you start to feel more positive because you’re more focused on your child’s good behavior than on his difficult behavior. And as your child responds more and more to your positive attention, there might be less difficult behavior for you to manage.

Positive attention is also about showing delight in your child and warmth in your relationship. It helps your child feel secure and loved, which is important for her overall development.

Positive attention for behavior means catching your child being good. It means tuning in to what your child is doing and letting him know that you’ve noticed he’s doing the right thing and that you’re pleased.

There are lots of ways you can give this kind of positive attention:

• praise – for example, ‘Good sharing, Vanessa’
• encouragement – for example, ‘Keep trying, Jack’
• physical affection or gestures – for example, hugs and cuddles, or a ‘thumbs up’ when your child plays quietly while you’re on the phone
• active listening – for example, listening with interest when your child tells you something in a normal voice instead of shouting.

This kind of attention works best if you do it often, rather than occasionally. That’s because you get into the habit of looking for positives. Also, your child gets plenty of reminders of what kind of behavior you like and want to see more of.

You can also give attention for good behavior anywhere – at the supermarket, when you’re eating, doing the dishes or walking to school, and on the bus. It doesn’t take any extra time when it’s something you do as part of your everyday interactions with your child.

Praising good behavior is particularly important for behavior that your child has found difficult to learn. You can praise the effort as well as the behavior. For example, your child might have had a lot of trouble remembering not to interrupt when you’re on the phone. You could say something like, ‘Well done, Darcy. I know it’s hard for you to wait while I’m talking, so I really appreciate that you let me finish’.

In general, praise your child six times for every one time you correct her.

Your child won’t always behave in ways you like. So the trick is to pay more attention to the behavior you want, and less to the behavior you don’t want. You can use planned ignoring and consequences to show your child his behavior isn’t OK, without giving him too much attention.

Giving your child positive attention, how to make it part of everyday life

The more you give your child positive attention, the more natural it becomes and the better it is for your relationship with her. A good relationship with you is also better for your child’s behavior.

Here are some general things you can do that will also help with your relationship and your child’s behavior:

• Take time to tune in to your child. Notice the things that fascinate him – petals on a flower, ants crisscrossing the pavement, sauce bottles at the supermarket – rather than rushing him on to the next activity. Take notice of the books he’s choosing at the library, or the skills he’s building on the monkey bars at the park. He’ll know he’s valued if you take interest in the things that interest him.
• Follow your child’s lead. When you’re spending time with your child, it’s good to let your child choose games or activities whenever possible. This sends the message that your child’s interests are important, which helps her feel loved and gives her confidence.
• Get close. You can sit on the floor, kneel in the grass, or squat beside your child’s chair. Face your child and move to his side rather than watching from across the room. Look into his eyes, uncross your arms, and smile, smile, smile.
• Comment on what your child is doing. For example, you could say, ‘I see you like the red truck’ or ‘That’s an interesting bug you’re looking at’. This shows your child that you’re paying attention and are interested. You build her trust and confidence and your relationship simply by giving attention.

Before you correct your child, ask yourself: does it really matter, or could I just let it go? If you’re always correcting your child, this sends the message that your child isn’t capable or valued.

Why positive attention is important?

From birth, children need experiences and relationships that show them they’re valued, capable human beings who bring pleasure to others. Positive attention, reactions and responses from key grown-ups help children build a picture of how valued they are.

Your child’s self-image builds up over time with positive, loving messages from you and other important people in his life. A healthy self-image is very important, not only for your child’s relationship with others, but also for his confidence as he learns about the world.

Your child’s feelings of security and safety come from her interactions with you and the other people who care for her. If you reassure and support your child when she’s frightened, uncertain or faced with a new or unfamiliar situation, she’ll feel safe and secure.

How to show positive attention

You have many opportunities to give your child positive attention in your daily interactions together.

Daily activities like changing a nappy, supervising a bath or walking to school let you connect with your child in meaningful ways. For example, just giving your toddler cuddles and tickles while you’re drying him after a bath is a way of showing positive attention.

No matter what your child’s age, there are simple things you can do every day to send the message that your child is special and important. For example:

• Look at your child and smile at her.
• Show interest in what your child is doing – ask him to tell you about it if he can.
• Pay attention and listen closely when your child talks to you.
• Make up some special rituals you can share together.

There are also ways you can show positive attention to children of different ages.

Newborns and babies

From the moment they’re born, children are paying attention to what you say and do – and how you say and do it. Even before babies can understand and use words, they respond to your tone of voice, gestures, facial expressions and body language.

Here are ways to give your baby positive attention:

• Comfort your baby when she cries.
• Smile back when your baby smiles.
• Respond to the sounds your baby makes by saying something in return.
• Chat about what’s going on around the two of you.
• Notice what your baby is interested in and encourage him to explore – for example, show him how to shake a colorful rattle that has caught his eye.

Toddlers

As your child gets older, she understands more of what you say, as well as how you say it. Here are some tips for positive attention at this age:

• Tell your child exactly what you like about what he’s doing. For example, ‘I love it when you help to pick up the blocks’. Use a positive tone of voice to match the praise.
• Get into the moment with your child. This could be as simple as squatting down to look at a caterpillar together.
• When you’re talking together, leave time after you talk so your child can reply, even if she can’t always find the right words.

Preschoolers

There are so many ways you can give your preschooler positive attention as he learns about the world. For example:

• Make time to do your child’s favorite activities with her – for example, jigsaws, Lego, painting and so on.
• Give lots of feedback about the kinds of behavior that you want to encourage – for example, ‘Thanks for bringing your plate to the kitchen. That makes it much quicker to tidy up after lunch’.
• Remember to smile and make eye contact with your child when you greet him in the morning – perhaps even take a moment for a special cuddle.

School-age children

Even though your child’s world expands when she goes to school, your warmth, love and positive attention are still the biggest influences on her development.

Try these ideas:

• Stop what you’re doing and listen when your child wants to talk about his day at school. This might not always be as soon as he gets home, though – it might be when he’s in the bath or just before he goes to sleep.
• Ask follow-up questions when your child starts talking. This keeps the conversation going.
• Notice and guide your child’s positive interactions with others – for example, ‘I think Hunter really liked it when you asked her questions about her holiday. It gave her a chance to talk about something that was important to her’.

When it’s hard to be positive

It’s not realistic or even normal to be positive all the time. And your child will cope just fine if you’re occasionally insensitive, unavailable or distracted. It’s what happens over time, not each particular incident, that makes the difference. If your child gets mostly positive attention from you over time, he’ll feel loved and secure.

When parents are regularly distracted or can’t focus on their children’s needs, children can be negatively affected. If this begins at infancy and keeps happening, babies as young as six months can show signs of stress. This can affect children’s health and wellbeing in the early years as well as in the future.

If many of your daily interactions with your child are negative, or if it’s hard for you to feel or act positively with your child, it’s worth seeking professional help. Start by seeing your doctor or a counselor. These professionals can help you fix things with your child and get your relationship back on track – your relationship might even end up stronger.

Changing the environment

Your child’s environment can influence his behavior. If you change your child’s environment, you can often change your child’s behavior. You can change the physical environment, the timing of activities, and your requests and instructions.

If your child is behaving in a way you don’t like, it’s a good idea to look at what’s going on in your child’s environment. By changing your child’s environment, you might be able to change your child’s behavior too.

Changing the environment can just mean making small, manageable changes to what’s happening around your child. It doesn’t mean moving house, changing the furniture, installing expensive play equipment and so on.

When it comes to children’s behavior, the environment just means the little things around your child. Your child’s ‘behavior environment’ includes:

• his location – for example, at the park, at home, at the supermarket
• toys, books and play equipment, but also other things you might not want him to play with
• other children and how they’re behaving
• sensations like noise and light
• the time of day
• your requests and instructions.

These things can influence your child’s behavior and even trigger unwanted behavior sometimes. For example, it’s normal for your child to:

• want to play with the things around her
• explore her surroundings
• feel tired if it’s nap time
• feel overwhelmed if there’s a lot of noise or activity
• not want to share her favorite toys
• not follow your instructions if she doesn’t understand them.

Changing your child’s physical environment

Here are some ideas for changing the physical things in your child’s environment to help your child behave the way you want.

At home

• Move fragile or expensive items out of sight and reach – this is important for safety as well as good behavior.
• Make a ‘quiet space’ for your child to use when he feels overwhelmed. This could just be a special cushion with some of your child’s favourite books nearby.
• Make sure screens like tablets and TVs are off when you need your child to focus on something like getting ready for school in the morning.

Out and about

• Choose a safe outside space if you can – for example, a courtyard, play area or backyard. You’ll be less stressed, and your child’s activities are less likely to upset others.
• On car, train or bus journeys, change where you all sit. For example, have one parent sit between two children. Or let one child sit next to a window for a while, then change.
• For a family day out, look for places that have things that both you and your child will enjoy – for example, a playground for your child and a coffee cart for you.
• Use music to change the environment on a car trip. You can play upbeat music if your child is bored, or soothing music when you want her to settle.

Toys and belongings

• Install a child gate on the door of an older sibling’s room. This will give the older child some time playing with toys, undisturbed by a younger sibling.
• Put your child’s favorite toys in a place that he can reach. This way he won’t be tempted to climb or get into unsafe places when he’s looking for his toys.
• Help your child choose and put away toys she might not want to share with visiting children.

Changing the timing of activities in your child’s environment

You can change your child’s environment by changing when things happen. Here are some ideas:

• Encourage quiet, calming activities before bedtime.
• Take your child grocery shopping after an afternoon nap.
• Get up earlier to reduce pressure and stress in the morning rush for school.
• Start bath time earlier to avoid tantrums about getting out of the bath.
• Plan frequent breaks on a long car drive.

Changing your requests and instructions

You might be able to change your child’s behavior by changing the way you tell or ask your child to do things.

An instruction is when you tell your child to do something. If you give clear, short and simple instructions, your child will know what’s expected of him – for example, ‘Please hold my hand when we cross the road’. But children can feel overwhelmed or rebellious if there are too many instructions.

A request is when you ask your child to do something. For example, ‘Could you set the table, please?’ Your child can choose to say yes or no to a request. Requests give your child choices and a sense of control, which might make your child more likely to cooperate.

It’s a good idea to aim for a mix of instructions and requests. And try to use requests more often than instructions.

Transitions, helping children change activities

It can be hard for children to move from one activity to another, especially if they’re enjoying something and don’t want to stop. Routines can help with transitions that happen every day. Children can accept change better when they know it’s coming. It also helps to give children enough warning, allow time for transitions, offer choices and resist bad behavior.

Transitions happen when your child has to stop doing one activity and start doing something else. Examples of transitions include:

• getting ready to leave the house
• putting away toys before bedtime
• turning off the television or computer
• getting out of the bath.

Your child probably needs to make transitions many times a day. But transitions can be hard, especially if your child is happy with what she’s doing and doesn’t want to stop.

Tips on planning transitions

A predictable family routine is likely to help with transitions that happen every day. Children can accept change better when they know it’s coming.

Here are some tips for planning transitions:

• Explain what’s happening to your child before you start the day or leave the house. Knowing what to expect will help children – especially older children – have realistic expectations.
• Use a family calendar that shows what different family members are doing each day. You could use a calendar with pictures for younger children.
• Consider whether you need to teach your child new skills or knowledge to help him with daily transitions. For example, you might need to teach your child to tie his shoelaces to make leaving the house easier. Or perhaps your child needs a written or visual list to help him pack his schoolbag each morning.

Giving choices about transitions

You can’t always give your child a choice about stopping one activity and starting another. But sometimes you can give her a choice about other things. Here are some ideas:

• Give your child a choice about things that are part of the transition. For example, ‘Evan, we have to go the car in a minute. You can take one toy with you. Which one will it be?’ or ‘Do you want to do that yourself or shall we do it together?’
• Limit options. For example, let your child choose between two different t-shirts, but not every item in his wardrobe! If he won’t choose, you can choose for him.
• Avoid giving your child a choice about a transition if there isn’t really a choice. For example, when you say, ‘Orla, would you like to pack up those toys now?’ you suggest a choice. Instead you could say, ‘Orla, start packing up those toys now please’.

Making transitions more positive

Pointing out the positive side of the transition can direct your child’s attention away from the change and onto something that he likes or is happy about:

• See whether you can make transitions fun. For example, ‘Can you march like a soldier to the car?’ or ‘How about we play “I spy” on the trip home?’
• Link something your child doesn’t want to do with something that she likes – for example, ‘First we clean up the toys, then we have a snack’.
• Point out any good things your child can look forward to after the transition. For example, ‘If we leave now, we’ll have time to play with your trains before dinner’.
• Praise your child for handling transitions well. Emphasize how good it is when you both work together as a team.

Timing transitions

Transitions are a part of every child’s day. Timing them right can make it easier for your child to change from one thing to another:

• Choose your timing. If you can, stop one thing and start another during a natural break in your child’s activity. For example, wait until your child has finished her puzzle before you tell her lunch is ready. If you’re sensitive to what your child is doing, it can make transitions easier for you both.
• Give your child some warning about any change of activity coming up. For example, ‘Derek, you have five more minutes to play. Then it will be time to go home’, or ‘Derek, one more go on the slide and then we’re going home’.
• If your child finds transitions particularly challenging, consider allowing more time between activities. This gives your child extra time to make the change and adjust.

Troubleshooting transitions

It’s OK if your child is disappointed about having to stop. That’s natural. You can use his disappointment as an opportunity to talk about emotions, and encourage him to use words to express feelings – for example, ‘I know you feel frustrated that you didn’t have time to play another game’.

But if your child plays up or has a tantrum, be careful not to accidentally reward that behavior by giving her more time on the activity. You can be understanding, but also clear and firm. Gently insist that your child does what you ask.

Teaching skills to children

Sometimes difficult behavior happens because children can’t do what you expect. This means that new skills can help with difficult behavior. You can use verbal instructions, modeling and step-by-step guidance to teach physical and social skills. Practice, repetition, praise and encouragement are key to learning new skills.

You are your child’s first and most important teacher. Every day you’re helping your child learn new information, skills and ways of behaving.

Teaching skills to children can be an important first step in managing their behavior. For example, if your child doesn’t know how to set the table, she might refuse to do it – because she can’t do it. The solution? Teaching her how.

There are three key ways you can help children learn everything from basic self-care to more complicated social skills:

1. Instructions: teaching skills by telling
2. Modelling: teaching skills by showing
3. Step by step: teaching skills by breaking down tasks

Remember that skills take time to develop, and practice is important. But if you have any concerns about your child’s behavior, development or ability to learn new skills, see your GP or your child and family health nurse.

When you’re teaching your child a skill, you’ll probably use more than one method at a time. For example, your child might find it easier to understand instructions if you also break down the skill or task into steps. Likewise, modelling might work better if you give instructions at the same time.

No matter which of the three methods you use, these tips will help your child learn new skills:

• Before you start, make sure that your child has the coordination, physical ability and developmental maturity to handle the new skill. You might need to teach your child some basic skills before working on more complicated skills.
• Consider timing and environment. Children learn better when they’re more alert and focused. So avoid teaching new skills just before nap or meal times, for example. It’s also good to avoid distractions in your child’s environment, like the TV or younger siblings who need attention.
• Give your child the chance to practise the skill. Skills take time to learn, and the more your child practises, the better. Show or explain the step or task again if you need to.
• Give praise and encouragement, especially in the early stages of learning. Praise your child when she follows your instruction or practises the skill, and say exactly what she did well.
• Avoid giving lots of negative feedback when your child doesn’t get it right. Maybe just point out one or two things your child could do differently next time. Rather than say that your child has done it ‘wrong’, use words and gestures to explain what he could do differently next time.
• Remember that behavior might get worse before it improves, especially if you’re asking more from your child. A positive and constructive approach can help – for example, ‘Well done for getting the knots on your laces right! Would you like to do the loops together today?’

Teaching skills by telling

This is just teaching your child how to do something by explaining what to do or how to do it. You probably give instructions and explanations to your child all the time.

How to give good instructions:

• Give instructions only when you have your child’s attention. Use your child’s name and encourage your child to look at you while you speak.
• Get down to your child’s physical level to speak.
• Remove any background distractions like the TV.
• Use language that your child understands. Keep your sentences short and simple.
• Use a clear, calm voice.
• Use gestures to emphasize things that you want your child to notice.
• Gradually phase out your instructions and reminders as your child gets better at remembering how to do the task.

A poster or illustration can help your child picture the instructions you’re giving. Your child can check the poster by himself when he’s ready to work through the instructions independently. A poster can also help children who have trouble understanding words.

Sometimes your child won’t follow instructions. This can happen for lots of reasons. Your child might not understand. She might not have the skills to do what you ask every time. Or she just might not want to do what you’re asking. You can help your child learn to cooperate by balancing instructions and requests.

Teaching skills by showing

Through watching you, your child learns what to do and how to do it. When this happens, you’re ‘modelling’. Modelling is usually the most efficient way to teach children a new skill. For example, you’re more likely to show rather than tell your child how to make a bed, sweep a floor or throw a ball.

You can also use modelling to show your child skills and behavior that involve non-verbal communication, like body language and tone of voice. For example, you can show how you turn to face people when you talk to them, or look them in the eyes and smile when you thank them.

Modelling can work for social skills too. Prompting your child with phrases like ‘Thank you, Mum’, or ‘More please, Dad’ is an example of this.

How to make modelling work well

Use the following steps:

• Get your child’s attention and make sure he’s looking at you.
• Get your child to watch first, then move slowly through the steps of the skill so that your child can clearly see what you’re doing.
• Point out the important parts of what you’re doing. For example, ‘See how I am …’. You might want to do this later if you’re modelling social skills like greeting a guest.
• Give your child lots of opportunities to practise for herself once she has seen you do it – for example, ‘OK, now you have a go’.

Teaching skills by breaking down tasks

Some tasks or activities are complicated or involve a sequence of actions. For these, you can break down the task into smaller steps. The idea of step-by-step teaching is to teach the steps that make up a skill one at a time. When your child has learned the first step, then you teach the next step, then the next, and so on. Move to the next step only when your child can do the previous step reliably and without your help. You keep going until your child can do the whole task for himself.

If the task is complicated, show the first part of the task and give your child a chance to practise. Then move onto the next bit. Start with the easiest parts if you can.

Step-by-step teaching

Here is how you might break down the task of dressing:

• Get clothes out.
• Put on underpants.
• Put on socks.
• Put on shirt.
• Put on pants.
• Put on a jumper.

You could break down each of these steps into parts as well. This can help if a task is complex or if your child has learning difficulties. For example, ‘Put on a jumper’ could be broken down like this:

• Face the jumper the right way.
• Pull the jumper over the head.
• Put one arm through.
• Put the other arm through.
• Pull the jumper down.

You can teach the steps by moving:

• forwards – teaching the first step, then the next step and so on
• backwards – teaching the last step, then the second last step and so on.

Teaching backwards has some advantages. Your child is less likely to misbehave because it’s easier and quicker to learn the last step. Also the task is finished as soon as your child completes the step. Often the most rewarding thing about a job or task is getting it finished!

In the earlier example, you might teach a child to get dressed by starting with a jumper. In this instance, you would help the child get dressed until it came to the final step – the jumper.

You might help the child put the jumper over her head and put her arms in – then you might let her pull the jumper down by herself. Once the child can do this, you might encourage her to put her arms through by herself and then pull the jumper down. This would go on until the child had mastered each step of the task and could do the whole thing for herself.

When your child is learning a new physical skill like getting dressed, it can help to put your hands over your child’s hands and guide him through the movements. Phase out your help as your child begins to get the idea, but keep saying what to do. Then simply point or gesture. When your child is confident with the skill, you can phase out gestures too.

Planning ahead a behavior management tool

Some situations make difficult behavior from your child more likely, for example, going on car trips, shopping or visitors coming over. Planning ahead can help you manage situations that are challenging for you and your child. To plan ahead for good behavior, use the seven steps in this guide. These steps help you to think about what causes behavior problems and how to manage them if they happen. Start by identifying challenging situations.

1. Identify challenging situations

Before you can plan ahead, you need to identify situations that are challenging for you and your child. These might be times when you’ve felt stressed, frustrated or embarrassed by your child’s behavior.

To begin, try to work out what’s making the situation difficult. Is it too many demands, time pressures or boredom? Or does the environment lead to difficult behavior from your child – for example, checkouts with lollies at her eye level?

It’s also worth thinking about whether you can avoid the situation or ask someone to help. For example, you might stay home with your child while your partner goes grocery shopping.

If you can’t avoid the situation, or you think it might help if your child learns how to cope better in the situation, planning ahead might help. The steps below take you through some ideas for planning ahead.

You might find it helpful to read more about how you can encourage good behavior by changing your child’s environment.

2. Make expectations clear

Talk with your child before you go into a challenging situation. It helps if you’re clear about what you expect from the situation and what behavior is OK.

Family rules can help your family members get along better and make family life more peaceful.

With toddlers and preschoolers, you can say what you expect. School-age children will have their own ideas, so work together to develop a few specific rules. With school-age children, this step is more of a negotiation, but you still have the final say.

Rules should be clear, simple and focused on the behavior you want to see. For example, rules for a doctor’s waiting room might be, ‘Talk quietly’, ‘Ask before you touch’, ‘Be gentle with the toys and magazines’, and ‘Play on the floor next to me’. Your child will be more likely to remember the rules if there aren’t too many of them.

It’s also a good idea to agree in advance on what happens when the rules are followed and when they’re broken. For example, for the doctor’s waiting room you might say, ‘If you stay close to me and ask before you touch, you can play with the toys or read the books. If you forget to stay close or touch without asking, you’ll sit on the chair next to me for one minute’.

Check that your child understands by asking him to explain the rules and the consequences to you. Do this again just before you enter the challenging situation – for example, just before you go through the door of the doctor’s surgery.

3. Think of your child as a ‘learner’

Difficult behavior can happen because a child doesn’t have the skills to cope with a situation. Ask yourself how you can help your child learn what to do in challenging situations. Here are some suggestions.

• Give your child chances to practise and succeed. When your chid is learning a new way to behave, it will help if she can practise the behavior and succeed in easier situations. Once she’s coping better, she can try harder situations. Here are some examples:
  • Shopping: plan a few short shopping trips for just a few items.
  • Visiting/visitors: arrange a series of short visits from/to a friend or relative.
  • Phone calls: arrange a series of short telephone calls.
• Think about when your child is likely to be at his best. If you can, plan challenging situations around your child’s routine. For example, try to make appointments for directly after your child’s nap or snack.
• Work out what skills your child needs to learn. For example, if problems happen during phone calls, your child might need to learn how to say ‘excuse me’, how to wait for you to respond, how to accept your answer, and how to keep busy and quiet. These are things you could talk about. You could also show your child how to do these things, and praise him when he does them.

4. Plan ways of helping your child keep busy and engaged

For toddlers, plan some activities that will keep them busy in challenging situations. Have a ‘going-out bag’ ready, with a drink, a snack and a few small but interesting items – for example, paper and colored pencils, stickers or blocks.

With your help, preschoolers and school-age children can plan interesting activities themselves, or you can get them involved in what you’re doing. For example, while grocery shopping you might ask your child to find things on the shelves and put them in the trolley, or to identify colours or words on labels. When queuing at the post office, you could play a quiet game of ‘I spy’ or ‘Who am I?’

You can have special activities just for car trips or telephone calls. These could be audiobooks, music, sticker books and so on.

5. Encourage good behavior

During a challenging situation, look for and encourage behavior you like. Take the time to stop what you’re doing every now and then to let your child know when you like what she’s doing.

It can be hard to remember to do this, but praise makes it more likely that your child will repeat the behavior. Try to praise more than you criticize. As a guide, try to praise your child six times for every one time you say something negative. For example, during a shopping trip, you might praise your child for staying close, speaking in a quiet voice, and helping you find things. If the challenging situation is a telephone call, you might briefly stop talking to praise your child for playing quietly.

6. Use consequences for behavior you don’t like

If you put the steps above into action, your child will be more likely to behave well. But it’s best to plan consequences that you’ll use if your child misbehaves. The good news is that most consequences that you would use at home you can also use somewhere else with some changes. For example, if you’re using time-out at home, you can also use it on shopping trips by getting your child to sit or stand beside you for a short time at the supermarket.

7. Have a follow-up talk

It can help to have a talk with your child after you’ve been in a challenging situation. During the talk, highlight things your child did well, and celebrate the progress you’re making together.

You might also point out one or two things your child might do differently in future. These can become your goals for next time.

Why planning ahead helps with behavior management?

Shopping trips, traveling in the car, taking telephone calls, attending appointments for yourself, visiting friends – these are all times when it can be challenging to meet your child’s needs and get things done.

In these situations, there’s a risk of difficult behavior from your child and frustration, stress or anger on your part. This is for a few reasons:

• You’re trying to care for your child as well as get something done.
• You’ve got to do something or be somewhere at a particular time.
• Your children are bored.

Planning ahead can help you to manage these challenging situations better.

What you need to know about spanking children

Smacking or spanking is a physical punishment. When parents spank a child, they’re often trying to say, ‘You’ve done the wrong thing – behaving that way isn’t OK’. But this isn’t the message children receive. A child who’s being smacked might think her parent is saying, ‘I’m angry with you and I don’t like you’.

Children mostly feel fear, anger and sadness when they’re smacked. They might also feel confused and lose trust in their parents. They usually can’t think about what they’ve done wrong or understand why they’re getting a smack.

Smacking looks like it works because children stop what they’re doing when they get a smack. But smacking isn’t a good choice for discipline. That’s because it doesn’t help children learn about self-control or appropriate behavior.

As a form of punishment, smacking has three other big drawbacks:

• First, there’s a risk that smacking might hurt your child.
• Second, it can give children the message that smacking or hitting other people is an OK way to deal with strong feelings.
• Third, physical punishment like smacking can lead to longer-term problems in children’s health and development. Children who are smacked can be more aggressive than children who aren’t smacked. They’re more likely to have challenging behavior, anxiety or depression.

There are better ways than smacking to guide your children towards good behavior.

Alternatives to smacking helping your child behave well

One of the best ways for parents to avoid situations where they might feel like smacking is to create opportunities for children to behave well. Having clear family rules is the first step. Rules let your child know what behavior you expect and can help you avoid difficult behavior from your child.

You can also plan ahead for situations where your child tends to behave in challenging ways. For example, you might want to wait until after your child has had a nap or a snack before you take her grocery shopping. This can make it easier for your child to sit still in the trolley.

If your child is behaving in a way you don’t like, it’s a good idea to look at what’s going on in your child’s environment. By changing your child’s environment, you might be able to change your child’s behavior too. This can be as simple as moving fragile things out of reach.

And sometimes just distracting your child in a challenging situation is enough to reduce bad behavior.

Using consequences instead of smacking

Part of firm and fair discipline is setting limits on children’s behavior. For preschoolers and school-age children this can include using consequences when children break rules or misbehave.

Consequences work in the long term only when you combine them with positive strategies to encourage good behavior.

Consequences aren’t recommended for children under three years old, because they don’t help young children change their behavior. Babies and toddlers are too young to understand that a consequence has happened because of something they did. And they also don’t know the difference between right and wrong.

Managing frustration, anger and stress as a parent

Managing your own feelings is an important part of creating a warm and loving family environment that helps your child behave well.

If you can manage your own angry or frustrated feelings in positive and healthy ways – for example, by staying calm, taking a few deep breaths or even walking away – you give your child a great example of how to behave.

If you find yourself getting stressed and angry a lot and you don’t know how to relieve your feelings, it might be worth looking into some stress management and anger management strategies.

And if you feel like smacking your baby or child, put your child in a safe place – for example, a cot – or ask someone else to hold him for a while. Take some time out until you feel calmer. Try going to another room to breathe deeply or calling a family member or friend to talk things through.

If you feel this way a lot, talk to your doctor.