Teaching children responsibility

Responsibility is a broad term which means many different things, including:

• being dependable so people know they can count on you,
• keeping one’s word and agreements,
• meeting one’s commitments,
• doing something to the best of one’s ability,
• being accountable for one’s behavior,
• accepting credit when you do things right and acknowledging mistakes,
• being a contributing member of one’s family, community and society.

Being responsible is a key to children’s success both in school and in the larger world when they grow up. Your ultimate aim is to give your child autonomy in more important areas, like going out unsupervised or making decisions about future study or employment.

Your teenager’s brain continues to mature into the early 20s. In particular, the decision-making part of the brain is still developing, and your child is still learning to control impulses. Teenagers, especially younger teenagers, might be less capable of understanding the consequences of their behavior.

Many people think that adolescence is always a difficult time, and that all teenagers have bad moods and behave in challenging ways. In fact, some studies show that only 5-15% of teenagers go through extreme emotional turmoil, become rebellious, or have major conflicts with their parents. Good family relationships help teenagers develop the skills they need for adulthood.

It’s normal for family life with teenagers to have its ups and downs. But if you and your partner find you’re seriously struggling at any stage, it’s a very good idea to seek help from friends and family, or speak to your doctor for advice.

Teenagers who have stable, warm, trusting and open relationships with their parents are better equipped to develop independence and grow into responsible adults. They’re also more likely to be successful at handling risky situations like smoking, alcohol and other drug use, and sexual activity.

Parents often confuse obedience with responsibility. Most parents would love their children to do what the parent asks, to follow directions and to not question their authority, which are understandable and important goals when raising children. However, this is not responsibility. These behaviors would be classified as obedience.

Over time, most parents want children to accept ownership for a task or chore – the children do it because it needs to be done and accept that it is their obligation to do it. Over time, they may even initiate doing a task “because it needs to be done” – not because they are being told to do it. This attitude would be called responsibility.

Responsibility and teenagers

During the teenage years, children’s need for responsibility and autonomy gets stronger, it’s an important part of their path to young adulthood. To become capable adults, teenagers need to learn to make good decisions on their own.

The process of helping children take responsibility and make decisions is a key task for parents. You have an important role in training and supporting your child to be ready for more responsibility. This means you need to plan when and in what areas to let your child start making decisions.

How quickly you hand over responsibility to your child is up to you. It depends on things like your own comfort level, your family and cultural traditions, and your child’s maturity.

Ideally, you and your child should both feel comfortable with the shift of responsibility and the pace of change. Too much or too soon might leave you both feeling overwhelmed. Too little or too slow might end up with your child feeling impatient or rebellious.

Achieving independence is an essential part of your child’s journey to adulthood. To make this journey successfully, children need freedom to try new things. But they still need your guidance and support too.

How to start shifting responsibility

Shifting responsibility to your child is a gradual process. It starts with letting your child make her own choices in some areas, or asking her to take on responsibility for certain things. You might not like all your child’s choices, but learning to be responsible helps your child develop skills for life.

When you’re thinking about whether to give your child more responsibility or to ask him to take on more responsibility, you have three options – yes, no and maybe.

The ‘YES’ option

This is for issues or activities that you feel your child:

• is ready to take on – for example, walking or riding to school by herself
• should be expected to take on – for example, cooking a family meal once a week or paying for her own clothes from her pocket money
• should be up to your child – choosing her own hair cut or clothes.

When you put something in the ‘yes’ basket, you’re saying that you’ll accept your child’s decision, even if it’s not what you would prefer, or you’ll expect him to take on the task.

If your child handles the responsibility in a way you like, you can show your approval. If you don’t like the decision, stand back and try not to step in, unless you think your child is in danger. These are opportunities for your child to learn from experience.

The ‘NO’ option

You might say ‘no’ to decisions that relate to potentially dangerous activities.

For example, these might involve things teenagers aren’t yet legally allowed to decide for themselves, like drinking alcohol. Or they might be things that could have a negative impact on other members of the family – for example, if your child’s decision would cost a lot of money.

Making the ‘no’ option work is about good communication and setting clear limits on behaviour. For example, the way you say ‘no’ matters. Giving the impression you absolutely forbid something might not be as helpful as saying, ‘I am not going to agree to this at this stage because …’.

The ‘MAYBE’ option

This is the grey area. You and your child might be able to negotiate a way to turn a ‘no’ into a ‘yes,’ depending on the circumstances. This might involve letting your child try something new to see how it goes – for example, letting your child go to the skate park with her friends one afternoon a week.

Negotiating is where the growth happens. When you turn a ‘no’ or ‘maybe’ into a ‘yes’, your child gets the chance to show you that he’s ready for more responsibility.

Deciding when you and your child are ready to shift responsibility

Every child is different. You might need to experiment to work out when and in what areas your child is ready for more responsibility.

A good way to start is to use family meetings to give your child a real voice in important decisions. This helps your child feel valued. It’s also a good way for you to learn more about how she deals with choices.

Here are some other things to consider:

• Level of maturity. Some teenagers are more mature than others, and their ability to act responsibly varies from situation to situation. Think about your child’s skills when deciding whether he’s ready for responsibility. For example, a teenager who asks to go to the city with friends might be allowed to go if he has been responsible when going out with friends at other times.
• Learning from experience. Teenagers need the opportunity to work some things out for themselves. If there is no immediate danger, life can be an effective teacher too. This approach also has the benefit of giving you more time to manage and enjoy your own life. It gives your child the chance to show you how responsible she can be too.
• Legality. With drinking, smoking and education or employment, for example, there are legal issues to think about, as well as your child’s health and wellbeing. These things need to stay in the ‘no’ category, regardless of what other teenagers do and other parents allow.
• Level of risk. Teenagers don’t always think about long-term consequences, and they sometimes want to do things that put their safety and wellbeing at risk. You might decide that going to an all-night party involves more risk than benefit, but going to a late movie screening might be fine.
• Impact on others. If your child’s choices are unfair or hurtful to others, you might choose to keep some control. For example, if your child chooses to play loud music late at night, you might not let him make that decision if it disturbs other members of the family. Ground rules like ‘music gets turned down after 9 pm’ also help when your child wants to make choices that affect others.
• Your family values. Are you willing to let your child make decisions or behave in ways that clash with your values? For example, parents who believe kindness and tolerance are important probably won’t let their child behave disrespectfully towards others.
• Looking after yourself. Parents also set boundaries to protect their own rights and needs. You might say ‘no’ if your child’s request is unreasonable or places an unfair burden on you – for example, driving children around all day, or paying for lots of expensive equipment.

Potential problems with shifting responsibility

• Too little. If you don’t let your child have any responsibility, she has no chance to make decisions and learn through experience.
• Too much. When responsibility comes too fast, teenagers might end up making bad decisions and undermining their confidence by doing things they’re not quite ready for. If you and your teenager aren’t sure about a new responsibility, you could use problem-solving to work out whether your child is ready for it.

When rules are broken

Staying connected to your child is the best way to ensure that rules you’ve agreed on are respected. But most teenagers will challenge the rules at some point. It’s one of the things that teenagers do as part of testing boundaries. You might want to decide and agree on consequences for when rules are broken.

When decisions go bad

Decision-making is a learning experience for your child. Not all of his decisions will be good ones. Problem-solving can help you work with your child to make better decisions and learn from mistakes.

Managing conflicts as your child gains independence

Young people are working out their own identities, and finding where they fit in the world. Your child is likely to want more control over things like socializing, behavior and appearance. As part of this process, your child might test boundaries and question people she sees as authority figures especially you.

This might look like a recipe for conflict, but it doesn’t have to be. A positive approach to managing conflict with teenagers can strengthen your relationship as well as help your child develop important skills for independence.

Problem-solving with teenagers

Everybody needs to solve problems every day. But you’re not born with the skills you need to do this, you have to develop them.

When solving problems, it’s good to be able to:

• listen and think calmly
• consider options and respect other people’s opinions and needs
• find constructive solutions, and sometimes work towards compromises.

These are skills for life – they’re highly valued in both social and work situations.

When teenagers learn skills and strategies for problem-solving and sorting out conflicts by themselves, they feel better about themselves. They’re more independent and better placed to make good decisions on their own.

Problem-solving steps

When you’re working on a problem with your child, it’s a good idea to do it when everyone is calm and can think clearly – this way, your child will be more likely to want to find a solution. Arrange a time when you won’t be interrupted, and thank your child for joining in to solve the problem. Often you can solve problems by talking and compromising. Sometimes you might not be able to find a solution that makes you both happy. But by compromising, you should be able to find a solution you can both live with.

The following six steps for problem-solving are useful when you can’t find a solution. You can use them to work on most problems – both yours and your child’s. If you show your child how these work at home, he’s more likely to use them with his own problems or conflicts with others. You can use the steps when you have to sort out a conflict between people, and when your child has a problem involving a difficult choice or decision.

NOTE: Try to use these skills and steps when you have your own problems to solve or decisions to make. If your child sees you actively dealing with problems using this approach, he might be more likely to try it himself.

1. Identify the problem

The first step in problem-solving is working out exactly what the problem is. This helps make sure you and your child understand the problem in the same way. Then put it into words that make it solvable. For example:

• ‘I noticed that the last two Saturdays when you went out, you didn’t call us to let us know where you were.’
• ‘You’ve been using other people’s things a lot without asking first.’
• ‘You’ve been invited to two birthday parties on the same day and you want to go to both.’
• ‘You have two big assignments due next Wednesday.’

Focus on the issue, not on the emotion or the person. For example, try to avoid saying things like, ‘Why don’t you remember to call when you’re late? Don’t you care enough to let me know?’ Your child could feel attacked and get defensive, or feel frustrated because she doesn’t know how to fix the problem.

You can also head off defensiveness in your child by being reassuring. Perhaps say something like, ‘It’s important that you go out with your friends. We just need to find a way for you to go out and for us to feel you’re safe. I know we’ll be able to sort it out together’.

2. Think about why it’s a problem

Help your child describe what’s causing the problem and where it’s coming from. It might help to consider the answers to questions like these:

• Why is this so important to you?
• Why do you need this?
• What do you think might happen?
• What’s the worst thing that could happen?
• What’s upsetting you?

Try to listen without arguing or debating – this is your chance to really hear what’s going on with your child. Encourage him to use statements like ‘I need … I want … I feel …’, and try using these phrases yourself. Be open about the reasons for your concerns, and try to keep blame out of this step.

3. Brainstorm possible solutions to the problem

Make a list of all the possible ways you could solve the problem. You’re looking for a range of possibilities, both sensible and not so sensible. Try to avoid judging or debating these yet.

If your child has trouble coming up with solutions, start her off with some suggestions of your own. You could set the tone by making a crazy suggestion first – funny or extreme solutions can end up sparking more helpful options. Try to come up with at least five possible solutions together.

Write down all the possibilities.

4. Evaluate the solutions to the problem

Look at the solutions in turn, talking about the positives and negatives of each one. Consider the pros before the cons – this way, no-one will feel that their suggestions are being criticized.

After making a list of the pros and cons, cross off the options where the negatives clearly outweigh the positives. Now rate each solution from 0 (not good) to 10 (very good). This will help you sort out the most promising solutions.

The solution you choose should be one that you can put into practice and that will solve the problem.

If you haven’t been able to find one that looks promising, go back to step 3 and look for some different solutions. It might help to talk to other people, like other family members, to get a fresh range of ideas.

5. Put the solution into action

Once you’ve agreed on a solution, plan exactly how it will work. It can help to do this in writing, and to include the following points:

• Who will do what?
• When will they do it?
• What’s needed to put the solution into action?

You could also talk about when you’ll meet again to look at how the solution is working.

Your child might need some role-playing or coaching to feel confident with his solution. For example, if he’s going to try to resolve a fight with a friend, he might find it helpful to practise what he’s going to say with you.

6. Evaluate the outcome of your problem-solving process

Once your child has put the plan into action, you need to check how it went and help her to go through the process again if she needs to.

Remember that you’ll need to give the solution time to work, and note that not all solutions will work. Sometimes you’ll need to try more than one solution. Part of effective problem-solving is being able to adapt when things don’t go as well as expected.

Ask your child the following questions:

• What has worked well?
• What hasn’t worked so well?
• What could you or we do differently to make the solution work more smoothly?

If the solution hasn’t worked, go back to step 1 of this problem-solving process and start again. Perhaps the problem wasn’t what you thought it was, or the solutions weren’t quite right.

When conflict is the problem

During adolescence, you might clash with your child more often than you did in the past. You might disagree about a range of issues, especially your child’s need to develop independence. It can be hard to let go of your authority and let your child have more say in decision-making. But she needs to do this as part of her journey towards being a responsible young adult.

You can use the same problem-solving steps to handle conflict. When you use these steps for conflict, it can reduce the likelihood of future conflict.

For example, let’s imagine that you and your child are in conflict over a party at the weekend.

You want to:

• take and pick up your child
• check that an adult will be supervising
• have your child home by 11 pm.

Your child wants to:

• go with friends
• come home in a taxi
• come home when she’s ready.

How do you reach an agreement that allows both of you to get some of what you want?

The problem-solving strategy described above can be used for these types of conflicts. By putting time and energy into developing your child’s problem-solving skills, you’re sending the message that you value your child’s input into decisions that affect her life. This can enhance your relationship with your child.

1. Identify the problem

Put the problem into words that make it workable. For example:

• ‘You want to go to a party with your friends and come home in a taxi.’
• ‘I’m worried there will be a lot of kids drinking at the party, and you don’t know whether any adults will be present.’
• ‘When you’re out, I worry about where you are and want to know you’re OK. But we need to work out a way for you to be able to go out with your friends, and for me to feel comfortable that you’re safe.’

2. Think about why it’s a problem

Find out what’s important for your child and explain what’s important from your perspective. For example, you might ask, ‘Why don’t you want to agree on a specific time to be home?’ Then listen to your child’s point of view.

3. Brainstorm possible solutions

Be creative and aim for at least four solutions each. For example, you might suggest picking your child up, but he can suggest what time it will happen. Or your child might say, ‘How about I share a taxi home with two friends who live nearby?’

4. Evaluate the solutions

Look at the pros and cons of each solution, starting with the pros. It might be helpful to start by crossing off any solutions that aren’t acceptable to either of you. For example, you might both agree that your child taking a taxi home alone is not a good idea.

You might prefer to have some clear rules about time – for example, your child must be home by 11 pm unless otherwise negotiated.

Be prepared with a back-up plan in case something goes wrong, like if the designated driver is drunk or not ready to leave. Discuss the back-up plan with your child.

5. Put the solution into action

Once you’ve reached a compromise and have a plan of action, you need to make the terms of the agreement clear. It can help to do this in writing, including notes on who will do what, when and how.

6. Evaluate the outcome

After trying the solution, make time to ask yourselves whether it worked and whether the agreement was fair.

What is independence for teenagers?

Teenagers are still working themselves out. They don’t always know who they are. You and your child are both learning how to balance growing independence with parental guidance. It’s OK if things aren’t perfect all the time.

It’s likely that the independence your child wants and the amount of independence you want to give will change as your child goes through the teenage years. Be prepared to adjust and keep negotiating as you move together along the learning curve.

To become a capable adult, your child must learn to:

• depend on you less and take on more responsibility
• make decisions and solve problems
• work out life values
• form her own identity.

But it’s common for parents and teenagers to disagree about independence – how much a young person should have and when. It’s natural to worry that if you give your child too much independence too early, your child might get involved in risky behavior. And it’s normal to want to keep your child safe.

But your child needs to make some mistakes, to explore and have new experiences. This will help him learn life’s lessons and continue to shape his brain’s development.

So how do you strike a balance between your child’s needs and your own concerns?

A positive relationship with your child is a great start. It also helps to have open and positive communication in your family.

Raising independent teenagers

Show your child lots of love and support

Your love and support are essential for your child’s self-esteem. Young people who feel good about themselves often have more confidence to discover who they are and what they want to do with their lives.

Your child might not always want physical affection from you. But you can show your love and support by:

• taking a genuine interest in your child’s interests, hobbies and friends
• making time to listen when your child needs to talk
• giving your child space and privacy
• regularly saying, ‘I love you’.

Respect your child’s feelings and opinions

Try to tune into your child’s feelings. It might help to remember that your child could be confused and upset by the physical, social and emotional changes of adolescence. Your child needs your emotional guidance and stability during this time.

Taking your child’s opinions and ideas seriously gives an important boost to her self-esteem. Your child’s opinions might be different from yours, and more like those of her peers. This might be hard to handle, but exploring opinions and ideas is one of the ways your child works out where she fits in the world. And if you have a difference of opinion, it’s a good chance for you to talk about how people often have different perspectives and that’s OK.

Talking about your own opinions and feelings calmly can help to keep the lines of communication open, and model positive ways of relating to others.

Establish clear and fair family rules

Clear family rules about behavior, communication and socializing will help your child understand where the limits are and what you expect. Rules will also help you be consistent in how you treat your child. Once the rules are in place, apply them consistently.

Your family rules are likely to change as your child develops. As children get more mature, they can make a bigger contribution to the rules and the consequences for breaking them. Involving your child in developing rules helps him to understand the principles behind them. Every family has different rules. You can talk with your child about this and explain that his friends might have different rules, or a different number of rules.

If you set the limits too strictly, your child might not have enough room to grow and try new experiences. This period is a learning curve for both of you. Be prepared for some trial and error.

Treat your child in a way that’s appropriate for her stage

Younger teenagers might think they’re ready to make their own decisions, but they often haven’t developed the decision-making skills they need to handle significant responsibility without your help. It can be a good idea to explain to your younger child why younger and older children are given different amounts and types of responsibilities.

Help your child develop decision-making skills

When your child needs to make a decision, a problem-solving approach can help her develop independent decision-making skills. This involves:

• finding out about different options
• talking about the pros and cons of different actions
• weighing up the pros and cons to make the best decision
• brainstorming what to do if things don’t go according to plan
• giving your child feedback on how she handles the process.

You can also include your child in family decision-making. This is another chance to boost your child’s self-esteem, and show that you value his input.

When it comes to big decisions that affect your child, try to make those decisions with your child, not for her. These might be decisions about school, further study, staying out late and so on.

Provide safe opportunities for your child to exercise independence

Activities that are safe and supported, but that give your child freedom and time away from you, can help your child:

• learn new skills and test new abilities
• take positive risks
• foster a sense of belonging
• build resilience.

For example, there might be a youth group or sports club in your area that your child would like to be involved in. When your child is old enough, a part-time job is a great way for him to develop independence.

Independence in children with additional needs

If you have a child with additional needs, your child’s growing independence might seem like an extra challenge. For these teenagers, reaching full independence might take a bit longer than for other children. Achieving independence can be harder if children have spent many years being dependent on others, being cared for and having decisions made for them. But encouraging your child to become gradually more independent is good for both of you.

For children with chronic health needs, there’ll come a time when you’ll begin to share responsibilities with your child, like responsibility for managing medications. Knowing when and how to do this can be challenging. If you’re trying to work out whether your child is ready to take on some of these responsibilities, consider whether your child can:

• solve problems
• make planned decisions, rather than impulsive ones
• understand the possible consequences of actions
• recognize when advice or guidance is needed – and accept it
• care about and plan for the future.

For younger children, it’s important to explain these issues clearly. This is better than saying, ‘You’re too young to look after things by yourself’.

You, your child and the health professionals managing your child’s care will all be involved in deciding when and how your child will begin to independently manage health decisions. Speak to a health professional about any concerns you might have.

Staying connected with your teenage child

As teenagers become more independent, they often spend more time away from home. It’s natural for teenagers to explore relationships with friends and other people outside their families. It might also feel like your teenage child is less interested in talking to you. But your child still needs a strong relationship with you to feel safe and secure as she meets the challenges of adolescence.

Staying connected with your teenage child is about building closeness in your relationship by being available and responsive to your child. It’s more than just spending time around each other – after all, family members can sometimes share the same physical space without really connecting.

Connecting can be casual, which involves using frequent everyday interactions to build closeness. Or connecting can be planned – this is when you schedule time to do things together that you both enjoy.

If you stay connected with your child, you’ll be in a good position to pick up on any problems that your child might be having. Your child is also more likely to come to you with problems.

Casual connecting with your child

Casual connecting is a way of using everyday interactions to build closeness and positive relationships. The best opportunities for casual connecting are when your child starts a conversation with you – this generally means he’s in the mood to talk.

Tips for casual connecting:

• Stop what you’re doing and focus on the moment. Even for just a few seconds, give your child your full attention. Connecting works best when you send the message that right now, your child is the most important thing to you. When you stop what you’re doing and really listen to your child, you’re telling her that she’s important, respected and worth your time.
• Look at your child while she’s talking to you. Really listen to what she’s saying. This sends the message that what she has to say is important to you.
• Show interest. Encourage your child to expand on what he’s saying, and explore his views, opinions, feelings, expectations or plans.
• Listen without judging or correcting. Your aim is to be with your child, not to give advice or help unless she asks for it.
• Just be there – for example, you might be in the kitchen when your child is in his bedroom. Teenagers benefit just from knowing that you’re available.

You can also actively try to create opportunities for casual connecting, but don’t push it if your child doesn’t want to talk. Trying to force a conversation can lead to conflict and leave the two of you worse off.

Planned connecting with your child

Planned connecting involves scheduling time to do things with your child that you both enjoy. Busy lives and more time apart can make it difficult to spend fun time together. That’s why you need to plan it. Teenagers aren’t always enthusiastic about spending time with their parents, but it’s worth insisting that they do – at least sometimes.

Tips for planned connecting:

• Schedule time together. You need to find a time that suits you both. Initially, it can help to keep the time short.
• Let your child choose what you’ll do, and follow his lead. This will motivate him to want to spend time with you.
• Concentrate on enjoying your child’s company. Try to be an enthusiastic partner and actively cooperate with what your child is doing – the activity itself is less important than shared fun and talking with your child.
• Be interested and accepting, rather than correcting your child or giving advice. It’s not easy to give up the teaching and coaching role, but this is a time for building and improving your relationship. So if you see a mistake or an easier way to do something, let it go without comment.
• Keep trying and stay positive. At first, your child might not be as keen as you to take part in these activities, but don’t give up. Keep planned times brief to begin with, and your child will come to enjoy this time with you.

Overcoming obstacles to connecting

Your child avoids spending time with you

Making the most of everyday opportunities to connect – like chatting while you’re driving – can help you get over this hurdle. If your child is reluctant to spend scheduled time with you, you could try the following:

• Keep it brief to begin with – try a cup of coffee at a favorite café after school, for example.
• Let your child choose the activity – even if you do have to sit through a teenage romantic comedy or action movie!
• Don’t give up – it might take a little while but the more time you spend together, the more you can both relax into it.

Your child refuses to talk with you about what she’s doing

You and your child might feel closer if you make the most of casual conversations during the day. Every little chat is an opportunity to listen and talk in a relaxed, positive way.

You feel you’re the only one who’s making an effort

If you’re kind and considerate with your child, this can help create goodwill and positive feelings. Often, simple things make a big difference – for example, saying please, giving hugs, pats on the back, knocking before entering a bedroom, cooking a favorite meal, providing treats or surprise fun activities.

This approach creates a more positive environment, even if your child isn’t joining in. Make a point of doing kind things, even when you don’t feel like it. If you wait to feel positive before you act positively, you might never do it.

And when you feel like you’re the one doing all the work, try to remember that this phase will usually pass.

Parenting teenagers

Now that your child is a teenager, the demands on your time and energy are different from when your child was younger. In the early years, you needed to feed, bath and comfort your little one. Now she’s older and looking after herself more and more. But your child still needs your practical help and active involvement. For example, your child might be involved in a wide range of social and extracurricular activities so you need to take him from one thing to another. At the same time, you might be working more hours or involved in other activities yourself.

Along with practical demands on your time there might be some new emotional challenges. For example, the onset of puberty can bring feelings of insecurity for your child and worry for you. You might also feel concerned about your child’s social and emotional changes and friendship choices. And then there are the emotional ups and downs of adolescence.

So parenting teenagers can sometimes be hard work, which means that it’s just as important to take good care of yourself now as it was when your child was younger. Looking after your physical and mental wellbeing can help you stay calm and consistent, and deal better with any stress and conflict that come up.

Keeping your relationship strong while parenting teenagers

For parents with partners, keeping your relationship strong is important. Nurturing your relationship with your partner helps you to be the best you can be as a parenting team. When you’re parenting teenagers, it’s important to make sure you’re meeting your own needs, as well as the needs of your family. A healthy parent is an effective one!

Here are some suggestions from parents about keeping partner relationships strong while parenting teenagers:

• Talk together about your feelings and experiences as the parents of a teenage child, making sure to really listen to what each other is saying.
• Show affection, admiration and appreciation for your partner.
• Spend time talking with your partner – something as simple as making time to discuss your day with each other can be a good idea.
• Find time for just for the two of you each week. This could be doing all kinds of things – playing sport, going for an after-dinner walk together, having a regular coffee date, playing cards or games, or whatever you enjoy as a couple.
• Make time for fun experiences as a couple. For example, if your child is old enough, he might be able to spend the weekend at a friend’s house or with grandparents while you have a mini-break.
• Spend time together at home. For example, you could make a date to have a special dinner, watch a favourite movie or put on your favourite music while your child is in her room or has a friend visiting.
• Staying positive and keeping things in perspective might help you get through some of the ups and downs of parenting teenagers. If you’re having a bad day, or a fight with your child, you could try asking yourself, ‘Do we really need to fight about this? Can I let this one go?’. When you let go of the small issues, you save your energy for more important issues like your child’s health, safety and wellbeing.
• Positive self-talk can also help you feel less stressed and happier. For example, if your child offers to help someone out, you might say to yourself, ‘Nice – I’m glad I’ve taught my child to think about others like that’. It’s time to congratulate yourself on all the good work you’ve done to get your child to this stage.
• Family rituals can build family togetherness and wellbeing. They can help you all feel positive about your family relationships. And rituals help teenagers feel loved and part of the family. No matter how bored they might seem, teenagers find rituals comforting. Examples might include a regular Sunday night dinner, regular family outings or religious ceremonies.
• Physical activity is important for many parts of your life, and 30 minutes a day is what you need to stay physically and mentally healthy. It could just be a half-hour walk or an exercise class, but if you’ve got more time as your child gets older, you could think about the sports you used to play, or ask friends if they want to play tennis or go for a bike ride. If you’re looking for something new, you could try relaxing activities like yoga, meditation, mindfulness, muscle relaxation or deep breathing exercises.

Conflict management with teenagers

As your child is older, you might find you clash with your child more often than you did in the past. It’s normal for you to disagree, but it’s also important to find ways of dealing with conflict. For example, you might disagree about things like what your child wears, what he does with his time, or whether he follows your cultural traditions. And when you use conflict management strategies yourself, you can help your child learn these important life skills too.

Some conflict is normal and healthy, as your child becomes an independent and responsible young adult. Also, you and your child are individuals with different opinions and views, so you can expect to disagree sometimes. But too much conflict isn’t a good thing, so you need conflict management strategies and skills.

Dealing with conflict with your child can help to reduce family stress levels. It can also make your relationship with your child stronger. And if you deal with conflict in effective ways, you help your child learn some important life skills.

Conflict can often be about small things. So even if you dislike your child’s dyed hair, think about whether it’s really worth arguing about. You might want to save your energy for important things like safety.

Getting ready to deal with conflict

These tips can help you get ready to deal with conflict with your child:

• Try to think back to your feelings and experiences as a young person. This can help you relate to your child.
• Remember that teenage brain development means your child might not be able to see the risks and consequences of a situation. Your child might not be able to see things from your perspective either.
• Try to be flexible about little issues. This might mean your child is more willing to listen and discuss bigger issues.
• Go easy on yourself and don’t expect to be perfect – you’re human too. If you overreact or lose your self-control a bit, just say sorry and start again when you can.
• Avoid dealing with conflict when you and your child are feeling upset or angry. Wait until you feel calm instead.
• Prepare what you’re going to say, and think about the words you want to use.
• Try to make sure that not every conversation with your child is about difficult issues. Spend some time enjoying each other’s company if you can.

Tips for talking through conflict

• Stay calm, stop what you’re doing, make eye contact, listen, and treat your child with respect.
• Let your child have her say. Be open to hearing your child’s point of view. When she has finished, you can talk.
• Be open about your feelings. This can help your child understand why you want him to do or not do something. For example, ‘I feel worried about your safety when I don’t know where you are’, or ‘I feel that it’s important for our family to celebrate some of our cultural traditions’.
• Explain your view simply and briefly, making it clear that your main concern is for your child’s wellbeing, now and in the future. For example, ‘I need to make sure you’re safe if you’re out at night. It helps if you tell me where you’re going and who you’re with’.
• If you can, be prepared to negotiate with your child and compromise. When you compromise, you demonstrate problem-solving skills. For example, your child might want to paint her bedroom black, and you hate the idea. A compromise might be painting one wall black or two walls in a dark color.
• If you have to say ‘no’, try to do it in a calm, understanding and respectful way. For example, ‘I understand that you want a tattoo. But you’re 13 and you’ve got a lot of time to think about it. So right now, the answer is no’.

Dealing with conflict aftermath

Despite your best efforts, it might take a while for you and your child to calm down after a conflict. Also, your child might feel really disappointed if you’ve said no to something. These tips can help you both feel better and move forward.

• Help your child to calm down by showing your understanding, letting him express his disappointment, or giving him space if he needs it.
• Look after yourself – talking to someone you trust can help you feel better about the situation.

When your child avoids conflict

Your child might try to avoid conflict by doing things ‘behind your back’ or lying to you.

If you want an open and honest relationship where you and your child can talk about tough topics, you need to be ready to manage your own feelings and reactions when you hear something you don’t like. It can help to plan for difficult conversations about things like broken curfews, alcohol and other drug use, cyberbullying and so on.

Handling anger in conflict management

As part of conflict management with teenagers, you might need to be ready to deal with anger from your child.

It might help to know that teenagers are still learning how to express feelings and views. Your child might feel she needs to express her views very strongly for them to be heard. Teenagers are also learning how to handle strong feelings.

If your child gets angry or uses an angry tone with you, here are some things that can help:

• Stay calm.
• Take a break to let things calm down, if staying calm is hard.
• Let your child know you’re listening.
• Show your child that you care about his thoughts and feelings.
• Try to stick to the issue you’re in conflict about, rather than getting onto past events or other issues.

After you’ve heard what your child has to say and you’ve shown understanding, you can try these steps:

• Take your time to express your feelings, thoughts and wishes as best you can.
• Keep it simple and short – this can encourage your child to listen.
• Try to negotiate a decision that you can both live with, or at least try to be clear about why you can’t agree.

If your child is angry at you about something you did that hurt her, show that you understand how it affected her, say you’re sorry, and then try to ensure the same thing doesn’t happen again.

If you feel angry, take some time to pin down what the feeling is about – even if you’re in the middle of a conversation with your child. You might even need to take a break so you can work out how you’re going to deal with your feelings. This isn’t always easy and takes practice, so be kind to yourself and your child as you learn better ways of dealing with conflict.

Handling violence

There is a difference between conflict and violence. Conflict, disagreement and some anger are OK – but violence is NOT okay.

Teenagers are still learning about what’s OK and what isn’t. They might still be learning where the line is between conflict and violence – for example, in fights with siblings. You can help with this.

But if your child is damaging property, yelling or swearing excessively, hitting or making threats to harm something or someone, you need to set clear boundaries. It’s important to show him that he has crossed the line and his behavior isn’t acceptable.

If your child is showing early signs of violent behavior, it can help to:

• give her a clear message that the behavior is not OK
• tell her that you won’t speak with her while she’s in that state
• let her know that you’re willing to talk to her and work things out together when she has calmed down
• let her know that that there will be consequences for the behavior
• make sure your own behavior is respectful, and that you’re managing your own emotions and modelling self-control.

If your child has experienced violence from another adult or child, he might need professional help to feel safe, to deal with what he has experienced, and to learn new ways to behave. If you find it hard to control your own anger or violence, you might also find professional help useful. A school counselor, family relationships counselor or your doctor might be good places to start.

Negotiating with teenagers

Negotiating with your child is about trying to find common ground and a win-win solution. It can be hard to let go of your authority and let your teenage child have more say in decision-making. But your child needs to do this as part of her journey towards becoming an independent, responsible young adult. If you use effective negotiation techniques, negotiating can help your child learn to think through what he wants and needs and then communicate this in a reasonable way. It also helps him understand other viewpoints, make good decisions, follow through with those decisions, and learn from the consequences of his decisions.

Before a negotiation

Sometimes you might know that a negotiation is coming. For example, your child might have been talking about a party her friends are going to. In this situation, you can get ready. You could discuss the issue beforehand with your partner or a friend, or write down what you want to say.

But sometimes you might not be ready for the negotiation, or you might need time to think about what you will and won’t compromise on. For example, your child might say, ‘I want to go to the movies on Saturday night’. Or if your child is older or more assertive, your child might say, ‘I’m going to the movies tonight’.

If this happens, it’s OK to set a time to talk later. But make sure it’s soon. This will help your child trust that you’ll keep your word. It also tells him that coming to a compromise is important to you.

NOTE: When you’re using these negotiation techniques with your child, if there are two parents in the family, it helps to support each other’s views and show a ‘united’ front. This gives you a stronger position and keeps the negotiation simpler. You might need to negotiate with each other to come to a joint decision first.

Negotiation techniques to use with your child

Successful negotiating with teenagers has a lot to do with the negotiation techniques you use. Here are some negotiation techniques to use with your child.

Talking and listening during a negotiation

• Use a calm, warm and firm voice to set the tone. The idea is to avoid getting into a conflict with your child. For example, you could say, ‘Let’s talk about this’.
• Actively listen to your child’s views first without interrupting. For example, ‘So you’re saying that you really want to dye your hair pink for the dress-up party, even though it will stay that color for a long time. You also know that it might wreck your hair a bit’.
• Express your views, and ask your child to tell you more about hers. For example, ‘I want you to have fun and see your friends, but I also need to know where you’ll be and that you’ll be safe. So tell me more about the bike ride’.
• Take a break if things get tense. For example, ‘I need some time out, so let’s work this out after dinner’.

Reaching a decision you can both accept

• Be clear about what is and isn’t negotiable. Understanding your child’s personality and maturity will help you decide on this. The level of trust you have in your child based on past events is also important. For example, ‘I don’t want you to travel home from the cinema on your own. How about I pick you up?’
• Think of a range of options. For example, ‘I don’t want you to paint your room black because it makes the house feel too dark. Is there another color you’d be happy with, or perhaps you could just paint one wall black? Do you have any other ideas?’
• Show that you’re willing to compromise and that you want to agree on something that you can both accept. For example, ‘I know you want to keep checking social media, but I’m concerned about you getting your homework done and getting enough sleep. How much social media time do you think is OK after you allow time for homework and sleep?’
• Be firm about your non-negotiables. For example, ‘It doesn’t matter what other people are doing. I’ll pick you up after the movie finishes’.

When you’ve reached a decision: next steps

• Clearly state the decision that you and your child have agreed on. For example, ‘OK. You can go to the party with your friends. I’ll pick you up at 11 pm’. Your child might be unhappy with the decision. Give him time to accept it without trying to convince him of its benefits.
• Discuss and agree on the consequences if the agreement is broken. For example, ‘We’ve agreed that you can paint one wall in your room black. We’ve also agreed that if you paint any more than that, you’ll have to buy the white paint yourself and paint the walls white again. OK?’
• End on a positive note even if the negotiation wasn’t perfect. For example, ‘Thanks for talking that through with me. I appreciate that we were able to work things out in the end. It shows me that you’re a mature person’.

Using your authority when negotiating

As your child develops, using your authority and influence in a respectful and positive way will help keep your relationship strong and open. As your child moves into older adolescence, it’s still important to use your authority to protect your child’s safety and wellbeing. For example, it’s OK for you to stand firm on knowing where your child is going, when she’ll be coming home and when she needs to call you about changes to arrangements.

You might find that your child is challenging your authority more as he gets older. For example, he might say, ‘I am going to do that and you can’t stop me’. The way you respond might depend on your child’s age.

For example, if your child is 12 years old, you might say, ‘I’m still your parent and I make the decisions, but I want to help you get what you want too. Let’s talk more and try to work it out’.

But if your child is 16 years old, you might say, ‘I want to support you in doing what you want, but I’m still responsible for your safety. So I need to know where you’re going and who you’re with. Can we talk more about this to see if we can find a solution we’re both happy with?’

Your own style of parenting can also influence how you negotiate with your child.