How to build confidence in kids

Confidence comes from feelings of well-being, acceptance of your body and your self-esteem and belief in your own ability, skills and experience. Confidence is a belief in yourself, the conviction that you have the ability to meet life’s challenges, be successful or make the right choice in a particular situation and the willingness to act accordingly. Being confident requires a realistic sense of your capabilities and feeling secure in that knowledge. Confidence is related to self-esteem and resilience. Self-esteem is feeling good about yourself and feeling that you’re a worthwhile person. But having high self-esteem doesn’t mean you always feel confident.

Confidence and resilience are related too. Resilience is the ability to bounce back from difficult experiences and cope in hard or stressful situations. If your child has resilience and learns that she can cope when life is difficult, it will leave her feeling more confident to tackle difficult situations. It’s a positive cycle.

Resilience is more than just coping. When you’re resilient, you’re more prepared to seek new ways to overcome your challenges and achieve your goals. Although this might mean taking some risks, it also creates opportunities for success and greater self-confidence.

Projecting confidence helps people gain credibility, make a strong first impression, deal with pressure, and tackle personal and professional challenges. It’s also an attractive trait, as confidence helps put others at ease.

Confidence is not an innate, fixed characteristic. Confidence is an ability that can be acquired and improved over time.

Social confidence can be developed by practicing in social settings. Individuals can observe the structure and flow of any conversation before jumping in, and they can prepare questions or topics to discuss ahead of time.

Anxiety can take hold when people are plagued by self-doubt, so putting themselves in and getting accustomed to the specific situation they fear can assure people that nothing truly bad will happen. And the activity gets easier with practice.

Confidence helps teenagers make safe, informed decisions. Confident teenagers can avoid people and situations that aren’t necessarily right for them, and find those that are.

If your child is confident, he’s also more likely to be assertive, positive, engaged, enthusiastic and persistent.

For example, a confident teenage girl whose boyfriend breaks up with her might be upset for a little while. But then she might realise that she can bounce back from the sadness she’s feeling now and focus more on the positive aspects of her life, like other friends and family. On the other hand, a girl who feels less confident in her relationship skills might be more upset, or even feel that the break-up was her fault. This could also affect her self-esteem, and leave her feeling that she isn’t worth dating.

Teenagers with low confidence are less likely to join in activities, more likely to hold back in class, and might be more willing to give in to peer influence. When a child lacks confidence, he might expect to fail at things he tries, or he might not try as hard when things get tricky.

Risks to kids confidence

Your child’s confidence might be at risk if you, he or other people he respects focus on his outcomes rather than his efforts. If the outcome is a ‘failure’ – for example, a poor exam result, a grand final loss – it can seem like the end of the world. But if your child knows that his effort is what you value most, this can lessen the blow of a ‘failure’.

During adolescence, physical changes can also affect teenagers’ confidence. If teenagers feel self-conscious about their bodies, it can affect their confidence overall and how they feel about themselves.

Bullying, or peer pressure to be the same as others, can also affect teenagers’ confidence.

Getting help for kids confidence

If your child’s confidence changes suddenly, or if low confidence is stopping her from trying new things, a good first step is to talk with your child. This will help you find out what’s happening for her.

If it isn’t something you can help your child with yourself, it might be a good idea to get help from a teacher, school counselor or psychologist.

How to build confidence in your child

Here are some tips for building confidence and resilience in your child.

Be practical

Look for the practical and positive things your child can do to build skills and increase her chances of success. Giving your child a clear strategy to improve her likelihood of success is a great way to help her understand exactly what she can do to achieve goals. For example, ‘Ada, if you want to be picked for the basketball team, you need to make sure you’re listening to the coach and practising between sessions’.

Give your child opportunities to try new things

When your child tries lots of different things, he’ll get to know what he’s good at and what he enjoys. He’ll also learn that most people do well at some things and not so well at others – and that’s fine. After all, we can’t all be Olympic athletes, gaming champions or musical geniuses.

Encourage your child to keep trying

If your child fails at something, help her understand that everyone makes mistakes. It’s OK if you can’t do something the first time you try. You could share some examples of times that you’ve failed, or have needed to keep trying at something.

Model confidence in your own ability

You can be a role model when it comes to confidence. For example, you could talk to your child about what you’re going to do to try to succeed at a task. If it doesn’t work out, you can model resilience by talking about what you’re going to try next time. You can also discuss things you’ve done that might have been scary or tough for you to do, showing your child that you’ve also been through times when you’ve needed confidence.

Encourage your child to act confident

Acting confident is the first step to feeling confident. So you could suggest to your child that he makes eye contact with others, is bold, does what he loves, tries not to focus on what he can’t do, and walks away from situations he knows aren’t good.

Practise social skills

If your child feels anxious in social situations, she might need some guidance from you. For example, body posture, smiling, connecting with others, showing interest in others’ activities and joining in conversations can help build confidence.

Praise your child’s efforts

If an exam, interview or game doesn’t work out the way your child hoped, try to praise your child for the effort he put into the activity, rather than the outcome. You could also suggest some ideas about what he could do differently next time.

What is self esteem?

Self-esteem is feeling good about yourself and liking yourself and who you are. This doesn’t mean being overconfident – just believing in yourself and knowing what you do well. Good self-esteem helps children try new things, take healthy risks and solve problems. It gives them a solid foundation for their learning and development.

The most important thing you can do to foster your child’s self-esteem is to tell your child that you love him. Say it often and for no reason other than to show you appreciate your child.

For children, self-esteem comes from:

• knowing that they’re loved and that they belong to a family and a community that values them
• spending quality time with their families
• being encouraged to try new things, finding things they’re good at and being praised for things that are important to them.

Being connected to other people who care about her is good for your child’s self-esteem. It gives her a stronger sense of her place in your immediate and extended family. And being connected to friends and people in the community helps your child learn how to relate to others and can boost her confidence.

Kids with self-esteem:

• feel liked and accepted
• feel confident
• feel proud of what they can do
• think good things about themselves
• believe in themselves

Kids who feel good about themselves have the confidence to try new things. They are more likely to try their best. They feel proud of what they can do. Self-esteem helps kids cope with mistakes. It helps kids try again, even if they fail at first. As a result, self-esteem helps kids do better at school, at home, and with friends.

Kids with low self-esteem:

• are self-critical and hard on themselves
• feel they’re not as good as other kids
• think of the times they fail rather than when they succeed
• lack confidence
• doubt they can do things well.

Kids with low self-esteem feel unsure of themselves. If they think others won’t accept them, they may not join in. They may let others treat them poorly. They may have a hard time standing up for themselves. They may give up easily, or not try at all. Kids with low self-esteem find it hard to cope when they make a mistake, lose, or fail. As a result, they may not do as well as they could.

How self-esteem develops

Self-esteem can start as early as babyhood. It develops slowly over time. It can start just because a child feels safe, loved, and accepted. It can start when a baby gets positive attention and loving care.

As babies become toddlers and young children, they’re able to do some things all by themselves. They feel good about themselves when they can use their new skills. Their self-esteem grows when parents pay attention, let a child try, give smiles, and show they’re proud.

As kids grow, self-esteem can grow too. Any time kids try things, do things, and learn things can be a chance for self-esteem to grow. This can happen when kids:

• make progress toward a goal
• learn things at school
• make friends and get along
• learn skills — music, sports, art, cooking, tech skills
• practice favorite activities
• help, give, or be kind
• get praise for good behaviors
• try hard at something
• do things they’re good at and enjoy
• are included by others
• feel understood and accepted
• get a prize or a good grade they know they’ve earned

When kids have self-esteem, they feel confident, capable, and accepted for who they are.

How to build self esteem in children

Every child is different. Self-esteem may come easier to some kids than others. And some kids face things that can lower their self-esteem. But even if a child’s self-esteem is low, it can be raised.

Here are things parents can do to help kids feel good about themselves:

• Help your child learn to do things. At every age, there are new things for kids to learn. Even during babyhood, learning to hold a cup or take first steps sparks a sense of mastery and delight. As your child grows, things like learning to dress, read, or ride a bike are chances for self-esteem to grow.
• When teaching kids how to do things, show and help them at first. Then let them do what they can, even if they make mistakes. Be sure your child gets a chance to learn, try, and feel proud. Don’t make new challenges too easy — or too hard.
• Praise your child, but do it wisely. Of course, it’s good to praise kids. Your praise is a way to show that you’re proud. But some ways of praising kids can actually backfire.
  • Here’s how to do it right:
    • Don’t overpraise. Praise that doesn’t feel earned doesn’t ring true. For example, telling a child he played a great game when he knows he didn’t feels hollow and fake. It’s better to say, “I know that wasn’t your best game, but we all have off days. I’m proud of you for not giving up.” Add a vote of confidence: “Tomorrow, you’ll be back on your game.”
    • Praise effort. Avoid focusing praise only on results (such as getting an A) or fixed qualities (such as being smart or athletic). Instead, offer most of your praise for effort, progress, and attitude. For example: “You’re working hard on that project,” “You’re getting better and better at these spelling tests,” or, “I’m proud of you for practicing piano — you’ve really stuck with it.” With this kind of praise, kids put effort into things, work toward goals, and try. When kids do that, they’re more likely to succeed.
• Be a good role model. When you put effort into everyday tasks (like raking the leaves, making a meal, cleaning up the dishes, or washing the car), you’re setting a good example. Your child learns to put effort into doing homework, cleaning up toys, or making the bed. Modeling the right attitude counts too. When you do tasks cheerfully (or at least without grumbling or complaining), you teach your child to do the same. When you avoid rushing through chores and take pride in a job well done, you teach your child to do that too.
• Ban harsh criticism. The messages kids hear about themselves from others easily translate into how they feel about themselves. Harsh words (“You’re so lazy!”) are harmful, not motivating. When kids hear negative messages about themselves, it harms their self-esteem. Correct kids with patience. Focus on what you want them to do next time. When needed, show them how.
• Focus on strengths. Pay attention to what your child does well and enjoys. Make sure your child has chances to develop these strengths. Focus more on strengths than weaknesses if you want to help kids feel good about themselves. This improves behavior too.
• Let kids help. Self-esteem grows when kids get to see that what they do matters to others. Kids can help out at home, do a service project at school, or do a favor for a sibling. Helping and kind acts build self-esteem and other good feelings.

Here are some ideas for nurturing your child’s self-esteem through relationships:

• Strengthen your child’s sense of his family, culture and community. For example, show your child family photos and share family stories, take part in community or cultural events like religious festivals, and encourage your child join a local sporting club or interest group, or join as a family.
• Encourage your child to value being part of your family. One way to do this is by involving your child in chores. When everyone contributes to the smooth running of the household, you all feel important and valued.
• Make your child’s friends welcome and get to know them. Encourage your child to have friends over to your house, and make time for your child to go to their houses.

Quality time and your child’s self-esteem

When you spend quality time with your child you let your child know she’s important to you. Doing things together as a family can help strengthen a sense of belonging and togetherness in your family, which is also good for your child’s self-esteem.

Here are some ideas:

• Develop family rituals. These could include a story at bedtime, a special goodbye kiss or other ways of doing things that are special to your family.
• Let your child help you with something, so that he feels useful. For example, your preschooler could help you set the table for dinner.
• Plan some regular one-on-one time with your child, doing something that she enjoys, whether it’s drawing, doing puzzles, kicking a soccer ball or baking cakes.

Achievements, challenges and your child’s self-esteem

Success and achievements can help your child feel good about himself. But your child can also build self-esteem doing things he doesn’t always enjoy or succeed at. You can still praise his effort and determination – and remind him that these will help him succeed in other areas, or next time.

There are lots of ways to help your child succeed, achieve and cope well with failure:

• When your child has a problem, encourage her to think calmly, listen to other people’s points of view and come up with possible solutions to try. This builds important life skills.
• Help your child learn new things and achieve goals. When your child is younger, this might mean praising and encouraging him when he learns something new, like riding a bike. When he’s older, it might be taking him to sport and helping him practise.
• Celebrate big and small achievements and successes. And remember to praise your child’s effort, not just her results. For example, ‘You tried that puzzle piece in lots of different spots and you finally got it right. Well done!’.
• Keep special reminders of your child’s successes and progress. You can go through them with your child and talk about your special memories, and the things he has achieved.
• Teach your child that failing is a part of learning. For example, if she keeps missing the ball when she’s learning to catch, say ‘You’re getting closer each time. I can see how hard you’re trying to catch it’.
• Teach your child to treat himself kindly when he does fail. You could be a role model here. For example, ‘I tried a new recipe, and the cake looks a bit funny. But that’s OK. It smells delicious’.

Things that can damage children’s self-esteem

• Messages that say something negative about children are bad for their self-esteem – for example, ‘You are slow, naughty, a bully, a sook …’. When children do something you don’t like, it’s better to tell them what they could do instead. For example, ‘You haven’t done your homework. You need to sit down now and finish your maths questions’.
• Messages that imply that life would be better without children might harm their self-esteem. For example, ‘If it weren’t for the children, we could afford a new car’.
• Ignoring your children, treating them like a nuisance and not taking an interest in them are likely to be bad for children’s self-esteem. An example might be, ‘I am sick and tired of you’. Frowning or sighing all the time when children want to talk to you might have the same effect.
• Negative comparisons with other children, especially brothers and sisters, are also unlikely to be helpful. Each child in your family is different, with individual strengths and weaknesses. It’s better if you can recognize each child’s successes and achievements.

All parents feel frustrated and tired sometimes. But if parents send the message that they feel like this about their children all the time, children get the message that they’re a nuisance.

Changes like moving house, school or country, or separation or divorce, might also affect your child’s self-esteem. If your family is going through experiences like these, try to keep up family rituals and your child’s activities, as well as giving your child lots of love. This will help your child feel OK about herself and her identity even as things around her are changing.

What is resilience?

Resilience is the ability to ‘bounce back’ during or after difficult times and get back to feeling as good as before.

Resilience is also the ability to adapt to difficult circumstances that you can’t change and keep on thriving. In fact, when you’re resilient, you can often learn from difficult situations.

Your child’s resilience can go up and down at different times. And your child might be better at bouncing back from some challenges than others.

All teenagers can build resilience, by developing attitudes like self-respect, social and organizational skills, and positive thinking habits. Your support is also a key building block for your child’s resilience.

You can’t always stop your child from experiencing problems or tough times. But you can play a big role in helping your child build resilience. Your child can also gain strength from other supportive adults, like grandparents, aunts, uncles or teachers. Friends and classmates can be great sources of support too.

Why children need resilience?

Children need resilience to bounce back from everyday challenges like arguments with friends, disappointing test results or sporting losses. Some young people face more serious challenges like family breakdown, family illness or death, or bullying. And some have more challenges than others because of learning difficulties or disabilities, or because they have more anxious personalities. Resilience will help them with these challenges.

When you’re resilient, you’re more prepared to seek new ways to overcome your challenges and achieve your goals. Although this might mean taking some risks, it also creates opportunities for success and greater self-confidence.

How to build resilience in kids

Challenges are a normal part of life, and young people have to learn to cope with them by themselves. Let your child have a go at sorting out her own problems and fighting her own battles before you step in. Fumbles and even failures are part of the process.

Personal values and attitudes for building resilience

Self-respect is a great building block for resilience. Self-respect grows out of setting standards for behavior. If your child has self-respect, she believes that she matters and should be treated respectfully by others. She’s also more likely to protect herself by avoiding risky behavior and situations. A strong sense of self-respect will also help your child be less vulnerable to bullies and bullying.

Empathy, respect for others, kindness, fairness, honesty and cooperation are also linked to resilience. This includes showing care and concern for people who need support, accepting people’s differences, being friendly, not mistreating or bullying others, and taking responsibility for your actions.

If your child shows these attitudes and behavior towards others, he’s more likely to get a positive response in return. This helps him feel good about himself.

Having a strong, loving relationship with you and staying connected with you are the basis for all these qualities and values in your child. If you show your child love and respect, she’ll be more likely to care for herself and others.

Social skills for resilience

Social skills are another important building block for resilience. They include skills for making and keeping friends, sorting out conflict, and working well in teams or groups.

When your child has good relationships at school and gets involved in community groups, sports teams or arts activities, he has more chances to develop connections and a sense of belonging.

These social connections also mean that your child will probably have more people she trusts when she wants to talk about things that worry or upset her.

Positive thinking habits for resilience

Resilience is about being realistic, thinking rationally, looking on the bright side, finding the positives, expecting things to go well and moving forward, even when things seem bad.

When your child is upset, you can help him keep things in perspective by focusing on facts and reality. For example, you could try gently asking, ‘Does this really matter as much as you think it does? On a scale from 1-10, how bad is it really?’

You can also help your child understand that a bad thing in one part of her life doesn’t mean everything is bad. For example, if your child gets a poor exam result, you could point out that it won’t stop her from playing weekend sport or going out with friends.

If your child is being hard on himself, you could suggest more helpful self-talk instead. For example, he might say something like ‘I’m going to die of embarrassment speaking in front of my class’. You could suggest alternatives like ‘Public speaking isn’t my favourite thing, but I can cope’, or ‘Public speaking isn’t my strength, but it’s good to try new challenges’.

Your child is more likely to feel positive if she can see that difficult times are a part of life, and that things will get better. It might just take longer than your child would like. You can help your child with this by talking about how you or people you know have gone through tough times.

Working with your child on solutions to problems can build resilience too. And having problem-solving strategies can help your child feel he has the power to deal with difficult situations and get through challenging times.

It’s also important for your child to feel and talk through difficult emotions like anxiety, fear and anger. Facing difficult emotions will help your child grow stronger. With resilience your child will be able to ride out these adolescent ups and downs.

It’s also good for your child to have simple strategies for turning low moods into better ones. Here are some ideas:

• Do things you enjoy or that help you relax, like watching a funny TV show or DVD or reading a good book.
• Spend time with friends or support people.
• Do something kind for someone else – for example, carrying the grocery shopping in from the car.
• Look for the positive or funny side of a difficult situation. For example, a sprained ankle might mean missing sport on the weekend, but it gives you the chance to binge-watch your favorite TV series.
• Do some physical activity, like playing sport or going for a vigorous walk.
• Go over some good memories by looking through photographs.

You’re a role model for your child. Let her see and hear you being positive and optimistic. You can do this by thanking other people for their support, saying ’Things will get better soon and I can cope with this’, and expecting that good things are possible.

Skills for getting things done

Feeling confident, capable and ready to get things done are big parts of resilience. Important skills in this area are goal-setting, planning, being organiszed and self-disciplined, being prepared to work hard and being resourceful.

You can foster these skills in your child by helping him work out his specific strengths and limitations. Then you can encourage him to set goals that put his strengths into action, and that help him to focus on what he’s good at.

For example, if your child is good at singing or music, you could suggest she joins the school band, or even starts her own band. If she’s good with young children, you could suggest she looks into some babysitting work or coaching junior sport.

Supporting your child to take on new or extra responsibilities is a great way to build your child’s confidence and sense of what he can do. Examples might be a leadership role at school or a part-time job as he gets older.