Children anger management

Anger is a normal human emotion. Kids feel angry sometimes and in varying degrees. Sometimes a strong emotion like anger can be a powerful tool for change, it can give you the energy to get something done or to stand up for what you believe in. Feeling angry and managing your anger in positive and healthy ways can also give you the chance to set a good example for your children. For example, you might be feeling angry that the kitchen is a mess. Instead of using that anger in a way that might be destructive, you can use that anger to create change. Maybe you start a dishwasher clearing roster. Or maybe there’s a rule that everyone needs to tidy up after themselves. This can be an excellent opportunity for your child to see how you use an emotion like anger to initiate a healthy discussion. But anger can be negative, especially if it happens a lot or it gets out of control. The issue with anger is learning to recognize it, how to use it in a productive way, and manage it effectively.

Many children have difficulty regulating their emotions. Tantrums, outbursts, whining, defiance, fighting: these are all behaviors you see when kids experience powerful feelings they can’t control. While some kids have learned to act out because it gets them what they want — attention or time playing video games — other kids have trouble staying calm because they are unusually sensitive.

Tantrums are very common in children aged 1-3 years. This is because children’s social and emotional skills are only just starting to develop at this age. Children often don’t have the words to express big emotions. They might be testing out their growing independence. And they’re discovering that the way they behave can influence the way other people behave. So tantrums are one of the ways that young children express and manage feelings, and try to understand or change what’s going on around them.

Older children can have tantrums too. This can be because they haven’t yet learned more appropriate ways to express or manage feelings.

When kids are overwhelmed by strong feelings, the emotional side of their brain isn’t communicating with the rational side, which normally regulates emotions and plans the best way to deal with a situation. Experts call it being “dysregulation”. It’s not effective to try to reason with a child who’s “dysregulated”. To discuss what happened, you need to wait until a child’s rational faculties are back “online.”

For both toddlers and older children, there are things that can make tantrums more likely to happen:

• Temperament – this influences how quickly and strongly children react to things like frustrating events. Children who get upset easily might be more likely to have tantrums.
• Stress, hunger, tiredness and overstimulation – these can make it harder for children to express and manage feelings and behavior.
• Situations that children just can’t cope with – for example, a toddler might have trouble coping if an older child takes a toy away.
• Strong emotions – worry, fear, shame and anger can be overwhelming for children.

The first step is to get a picture of what triggers your particular child’s anger. Mental health professionals call this a “functional assessment,” which means looking at what real-life situations seem to generate anger issues — specifically, at what happens immediately before, during, and after the outbursts that might contribute to their happening again.

Sometimes a close look at the pattern of a child’s anger issues reveals a problem that needs attention: a traumatic experience, abuse or neglect, social anxiety, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), or a learning disorder. When children are prone to meltdowns beyond the age in which they are typical, it’s often a symptom of distress that they are struggling to manage. That effort breaks down at moments that require self-discipline they don’t yet have, like transitioning from something they enjoy to something that’s difficult for them.

A majority of kids who have frequent meltdowns do it in very predictable, circumscribed situations: when it’s homework time, bedtime, time to stop playing. The trigger is usually being asked to do something that’s aversive to them or to stop doing something that is fun for them. Especially for children who have ADHD, something that’s not stimulating and requires them to control their physical activity, like a long car ride or a religious service or visiting an elderly relative, is a common trigger for meltdowns.

When children continue to have regular emotional outbursts, it’s usually a symptom of distress. The first step is understanding what’s triggering your child’s behavior. There are many possible underlying causes, including:

• ADHD: Many children with ADHD, especially those who experience impulsivity and hyperactivity, have trouble controlling their behavior. They may find it very hard to comply with instructions or switch from one activity to another, and that makes them appear defiant and angry. Their inability to focus and complete tasks can also lead to tantrums, arguing, and power struggles. In a recent study conducted by Dr. Amy Roy of Fordham University, more than 75 percent of children who presented with severe temper outbursts also fit the criteria for ADHD. That doesn’t necessarily mean they’ve been diagnosed with ADHD—in fact ADHD may be overlooked in kids who have a history of aggression. What people don’t understand is that a lack of focus, an inability to complete work and tolerate boredom, among other symptoms, can contribute to the escalation toward the explosive outbursts. In fact, ADHD is sometimes overlooked in kids who have a history of severe aggression because there are so many bigger issues.
• Anxiety: Anxiety is another major contributor. Even if kids don’t have a full-blown anxiety disorder, they may still be overreactive to anxiety-provoking situations and melt down when they are stressed. Children who seem angry and defiant often have severe, and unrecognized, anxiety. If your child has anxiety, especially if she’s hiding it, she may have a hard time coping with situations that cause her distress, and she may lash out when the demands at school, for instance, put pressure on her that she can’t handle. In an anxiety-inducing situation, your child’s “fight or flight” instinct may take hold—she may have a tantrum or refuse to do something to avoid the source of acute fear.
• Learning problems: Kids who have undiagnosed learning disabilities or who have suffered trauma or neglect may react this way when confronted with an uncomfortable or painful situation. When your child acts out repeatedly in school or during homework time, it’s possible that he has an undiagnosed learning disorder. Say he has a lot of trouble with math, and math problems make him very frustrated and irritable. Rather than ask for help, he may rip up an assignment or start something with another child to create a diversion from his real issues.
• Trauma or neglect: A lot of acting out in school is the result of trauma, neglect, or chaos at home. Kids who are struggling, not feeling safe at home can act like terrorists at school, with fairly intimidating kinds of behavior. Most at risk, she says, are kids with ADHD who’ve also experienced trauma.
• Depression and irritability: Depression and irritability also occur in a subset of kids who have severe and frequent temper tantrums. A new disorder called disruptive mood dysregulation disorder, describes kids who have severe outbursts with chronic severe irritability in between. Kids who are highly irritable are like water at 90 degrees—always on the cusp of boiling. Parents of these kids are always walking on eggshells because they respond to very subtle things, like the slightest thing not going their way.
• Autism (autism spectrum disorder): Children on the autism spectrum are also often prone to dramatic meltdowns. If your child is on the autism spectrum, he may tend to be rigid—needing consistent routine to feel safe for their emotional comfort and any unexpected change can set him off. He may have sensory issues that cause him to be overwhelmed by stimulation, and short-circuit into a meltdown that continues until he exhausts himself. And he may lack the language and communication skills to express what he wants or needs.
• Sensory processing issues: Some children have trouble processing the sensory information they are getting from the world around them. If your child is oversensitive or undersensitive, to stimulation, things like “scratchy” clothes and too much light or noise can make her uncomfortable, anxious, distracted, or overwhelmed. That can lead to meltdowns for no reason that’s apparent to you or other caregivers. Sensory processing challenges, often seen in autistic children and teens as well as many with ADHD, may cause kids to be overwhelmed by stimulation, and short-circuit in inconsolable meltdowns.

Whatever the trigger, most mental health professionals believe that children who have frequent emotional outbursts are lacking certain skills that would help them better handle situations that cause them frustration, anxiety or anger. They include:

• Impulse control
• Problem solving
• Delaying gratification
• Negotiating
• Communicating wishes and needs to adults
• Knowing what’s appropriate or expected in a given situation
• Self-soothing

The first step to managing anger in children is getting your child to recognize they feel anger. Some ways to help teach your child about anger include:

• Playing games: Something like “Guessing Faces” is a useful way to help your child recognize feelings. For example, you can pull a face and you ask your child to tell you how you might be feeling. You can also ask your child to pull faces, for example by asking them, “show me a happy face” or “show me an angry face”. Then ask them to tell a story about why someone might have that feeling. This works by drawing faces too.
• Reading stories about emotions: There are many children’s books around that tell stories about feelings. These stories can be a great way to open up a dialogue about challenging emotions and offer an opportunity to discuss what you can do when you feel these emotions.
• Encouraging discussion about feelings: Letting children know that feelings are normal and it is important and encouraging them to talk about the pleasant and not-so-pleasant feelings they might have can help them deal with difficult emotions.
• Being open about your own feelings: Talking about your feelings and why you’re feeling a particular emotion is a great way to model healthy behavior, in particular showing how to manage difficult emotions. For example, “I am feeling angry because the kitchen is a mess.”

Parents can start by helping children understand how their emotions work. Kids don’t go from calm to sobbing on the floor in an instant. That emotion built over time, like a wave. Kids can learn control by noticing and labeling their feelings earlier, before the wave gets too big to handle.

Coping with anger issues

Dealing with anger issues can be very draining and stressful. You might feel you need to step in to end a tantrum straight away. But if it’s safe, it can help to take a breather while you decide how to respond.

Here are ideas for staying calm and keeping things in perspective:

• Develop a strategy for anger issues. Have a clear plan for how you’ll handle a tantrum in whatever situation you’re in. Concentrate on putting your plan into action when the tantrum happens.
• Accept that you can’t control your child’s emotions or behavior directly. You can only keep your child safe and guide their behavior so anger issues are less likely to happen in the future.
• Accept that it takes time for change to happen. Your child has a lot of growing up to do before anger issues are gone forever. Developing and practising self-regulation skills is a life-long task.
• Beware of thinking that your child is doing it on purpose or is trying to upset you. Children don’t have anger issues deliberately – they’re stuck in a bad habit or just don’t have the skills right now to cope with the situation.
• Keep your sense of humor. But don’t laugh at the tantrum – if you do, it might reward your child with attention. It might also upset your child even more if they think you’re laughing at them.
• If other people give you dirty looks, ignore them. They’ve either never had children or it’s been so long since they had a young child that they’ve forgotten what it’s like.

Don’t judge yourself as a parent based on how many anger issues your child has. Remember that all children have anger issues. Instead, focus on how you respond to the anger issues. And remember that you’re only human and part of parenting is learning as you go.

Child anger management therapy

Medication won’t necessarily fix defiant behavior or aggression; it can reduce the symptoms of ADHD, anxiety, and other disorders and improve the conditions for working on those behaviors. Behavioral approaches that have parents and children working together to rein in problem behavior are key to helping the situation.

Find the triggers

The first step in managing anger is understanding what triggers set off a child’s outbursts. So, for instance, if getting out the door for school is a chronic issue for your child, solutions might include time warnings, laying out clothes and showering the night before, and waking up earlier. Some kids respond well to breaking tasks down into steps, and posting them on the wall.

Consistent parenting

When a child’s defiance and emotional outbursts occur, the parent or caregiver’s response affects the likelihood of the behavior happening again.

If a child’s behavior is out of control or causing major problems, it’s a good idea to try step-by-step parent training programs. These programs like the Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT) and the Parent Management Training (PMT) train you to positively reinforce behavior you want to encourage in your child, and give consistent consequences for behaviors you want to discourage. Most children respond well to a more structured relationship, with calm, consistent responses from parents that they can count on.

What all the parent training programs have in common is that they teach parents how to use praise, or positive reinforcement, more effectively, to encourage the behaviors they want to encourage. And they teach parents how to deploy consistent consequences when kids don’t comply. The result is that kids learn to modulate their behavior to meet expectations and enjoy much more positive interactions with their parents.

Where the parent training programs differ is in how instruction is delivered, how parents practice the skills they’re learning, and the pace at which they’re expected to master these new skills. The programs involve 10 or more sessions, and they target different age groups of children.

Here are some of the key elements taught in parent training:

• Don’t give in. Resist the temptation to end your child’s tantrum by giving her what she wants when she explodes. To give in only teaches her that tantrums work.
• Remain calm and consistent. You’re in a better place to teach and follow through with better, more consistent consequences when you’re in control of your own emotions. Harsh or angry responses tend to escalate a child’s aggression, be it verbal or physical. By staying calm, you’re also modeling—and teaching—your child the type of behavior you want to see in him.
• Ignore negative behavior and praise positive behavior. Ignore minor misbehavior, since even negative attention like reprimanding or telling the child to stop can reinforce her actions. Instead, lavish labeled praise on behaviors you want to encourage. (Don’t just say “good job,” say “good job calming down.”)
• Use consistent consequences. Your child needs to know what the consequences are for negative behaviors, such as time outs, as well as rewards for positive behaviors, like time on the iPad. And you need to show him you follow through with these consequences every time.
• Wait to talk until the meltdown is over. One thing you don’t want to do is try to reason with a child who is upset. Don’t talk to the kid when she’s not available. You want to encourage a child to practice at negotiation when she’s not blowing up, and you’re not either.
• Build a toolkit for calming down. Both you and your child need to build a toolkit for self-soothing, things you can do to calm down, like slow breathing, to relax, because you can’t be calm and angry at the same time. There are lots of techniques, but the nice thing about breathing is it’s always available to you.

Parent-Child Interaction Therapy

Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT) works with parents and children together, teaching them skills to interact in a positive, productive way. It is effective for kids between the ages of 2 and 7, and usually requires 14 to 17 weekly sessions.

In Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT), parents receive live coaching (via a bug in the ear) from a therapist who watches from behind a one-way mirror as they and their child perform a series of tasks, and parents practice specific responses to both desired and undesired behavior.

Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT) is the most practice-intensive, as parents demonstrate mastery of each skill before going on to the next one. It starts out with positive interactions, then waits till parents reach mastery of these skills before moving on to discipline strategies to improve oppositional behavior.

Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT) is usually recommended if parents need a lot of one-on-one attention in terms of how they’re interacting with their child and the child is under 7 and especially if it there have been a lot of coercive negative interactions. Sometimes it’s very important for parents to learn how to be with their kid in a positive way.

Parent Management Training

In Parent Management Training (PMT), which is for children ages 3 to 13, parents are usually seen without the child present, although children may be asked to participate in some sessions. Skills to deal more effectively with challenging behaviors are taught and modeled by the therapist and then role-played with parents. After each session, parents are expected to practice the skills at home. Families usually participate in at least 10 sessions.

Parent Management Training (PMT) is great because there’s a new skill that’s taught at every module, so if the family really goes home and implements what was talked about in session, the therapist could teach the family all the important skills that they need to know within four or five sessions. From that point on it’s kind of tinkering, refining and tightening up everything.

Parent Management Training (PMT) is usually recommended if there’s a premium on “more change more quickly.” This can be because the situation seems particularly urgent, such as really severe tantrums or aggressive behaviors.

Since Parent Management Training (PMT) is appropriate for all ages, it’s a good choice when kids are too old for Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT). But Parent Management Training (PMT) may also be recommended for a 4-year-old if the therapist feels that the parent-child interaction is actually pretty good, but there might be other things going on, such as anxiety, extreme impulsiveness or explosive anger.

However, it’s important to note that Parent Management Training (PMT), which establishes a token economy with point charts used to reinforce positive behaviors, can be tougher for younger kids to grasp, especially if they’re cognitively delayed. It’s sometimes hard for them to understand that they’re earning points that they can then spend on things. But if a kid is able to make the connection that they’re earning these stars for behavior and that these stars get them a reward, then it’s appropriate.

Positive Parenting Program (Triple P)

Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) focus is on equipping parents with information and skills to increase confidence and self-sufficiency in managing child behavior. It can be utilized with a wide age range of children from toddlerhood through adolescence.

There are different levels of intervention depending on how severe the case is, with more of a whole blanket system of improving parenting on many different levels.

First, for parenting basics, there’s a four-session treatment that can be given in doctor’s offices that include social workers or other mental health professionals for integrated care.

But for families with more severe behavior problems, there’s a 12-session parent-and-child-focused treatment. It incorporates the best of Parent Management Training (PMT) and Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT) by having some sessions in which the clinician is meeting one-on-one with parents and talking about skills and strategies, and some sessions where kids are included and the therapist can do live coaching.

The Incredible Years Program

The Incredible Years program offers small-group-based training for parents of kids from infants through age 12. The Incredible Years programs are broken into four age groups (baby, toddler, preschool and school age) and they range from 12 to 20 weeks.

There is also specialized training designed for high-risk socioeconomically disadvantaged families, and for families with children diagnosed with ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder (ODD).

The Incredible Years is in between Parent Management Training (PMT), where they’re giving you everything up front, and Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT), where skills are added only after earlier ones have been mastered.

There’s a different topic for parents each session. The Incredible Years program starts with a focus on improving parent-child relationships and positive attachment before moving on to consistent routines, rules, and limit-setting. Finally it covers child management strategies such as ignoring, redirection, logical and natural consequences, time to calm down and problem-solving.

For children from four to eight years old, Incredible Years offers children’s groups that focus on helping them acquire emotion regulation strategies and social skills.

Research shows that the kids’ group works well at improving pro-social behavior and decreasing disruptive behaviors, but when you add the parenting part it really boosts the effectiveness of it.

One of the great things for parents is that they learn not only from therapists but from each other. Parents hear what others tried. It also normalizes what they’re seeing in their kids.

Behavioral and Emotional Skills Training

Designed to introduce effective behavior management techniques in a single session, Behavioral and Emotional Skills Training (BEST) is a full-day, interactive training for parents and caregivers to help manage problem behaviors in the home. Attendees of Behavioral and Emotional Skills Training (BEST) workshops learn the basics of behavior management and how to apply those skills consistently and effectively to increase their confidence in managing challenging behaviors. They also develop a behaviorally-minded network of other caregivers for continued support following training completion.

How to handle toddler temper tantrums when they happen

Sometimes tantrums happen, no matter what you do to avoid them. Here are some ideas for handling tantrums when they happen:

• Stay calm (or pretend to!). Take a moment for yourself if you need to. If you get angry, it’ll make the situation harder for both you and your child. When you speak, keep your voice calm and level, and act deliberately and slowly.
• Acknowledge your child’s strong feelings. For example, ‘It’s very upsetting when your ice-cream falls out of the cone, isn’t it?’ This can help prevent behavior getting more out of control and gives your child a chance to reset emotions.
• Wait out the tantrum. Stay close so your child knows you’re there. But don’t try to reason with your child or distract them. It’s too late once a tantrum has started.
• Take charge when you need to. If the tantrum happens because your child wants something, don’t give your child what they want. If your child doesn’t want to do something, use your judgment. For example, if your child doesn’t want to get out of the bath, pulling out the plug might be safer than lifting out your child.
• Be consistent and calm in your approach. If you sometimes give your child what they want when they have tantrums and you sometimes don’t, the problem could get worse.

Learning to manage anger

While it’s great to think of using emotion, like anger, in a healthy way, what this means is that you need to first manage those sometimes intense feelings. For kids, this can be especially challenging, as they often don’t always have the language required to express themselves.

The first thing you have to do to manage anger issues is to understand them. That is not always as easy as it sounds, since anger and meltdowns are generated by a lot of different things: fear, frustration, sensory overload, to name a few. And since a tantrum isn’t a very clear way to communicate (even though it may be a powerful way to get attention), parents are often in the dark about what’s driving the behavior.

Some ways you can help, as parents and carers, is to teach them to manage their emotions. For example:

• Lead by example: Showing how you manage and express your emotions will help to teach your child how they can do the same. For example, if you’re stuck in traffic, you might say, “let’s put on some music to help me calm down and feel better.”
• Remain calm: When your child is angry, it will be more difficult to diffuse the situation if you meet his or her anger with more anger. If anything, this teaches them that it is ok to yell and raise your voice when you feel angry. Instead, try and stay calm, ask clarifying questions and offer solutions.
• Breathing exercises: Ask your child to put one hand on their chest and one on their belly. Ask them to take a deep breathe, all the way into their belly and to let the air out, slowly. This can quickly take the charge out of a situation and helps to get them into their body.
• Physical activity: Sometimes a muscle relaxation exercise can be the perfect antidote to a stressful situation. But other times, getting your child to spend some of that excess energy in a non-destructive way can be extremely useful. For example, suggest you both go for a walk around the block. Or encourage them to jump on the trampoline. These kinds of physical activities can help to calm them down.
• Other things that might help:
  • Listening to music
  • Reading a story
  • Drawing or coloring in

Teaching children new ways to deal with anger isn’t easy and usually takes time, a lot of repetition and a lot of healthy modelling. So stick with it, maybe pick one thing to work on during the month. Be patient and if things still aren’t improving get in touch with the Growing Early Minds team to see how we can help.

Accepting emotions

If you can show you accept your child’s emotions and even empathize with them, for example, “I can understand why you might be angry that it’s time to stop playing video games and start your homework,” it can help teach them that emotions are OK and it’s safe to feel them, without necessarily acting on them. Accepting their emotions, while remaining calm, can open up a dialogue and presents an opportunity for expressing that emotion without being destructive.

Delving under the anger

When you stay calm and open up a dialogue with your child, you begin to make it safe for them to be vulnerable. This usually helps you to get under the anger, which is often something like sadness or disappointment. This also helps children grow more awareness around their feelings and develop emotional intelligence.

How to make toddler anger issues less likely

There are things you can do to make tantrums less likely to happen:

• Reduce stress. Tired, hungry and overstimulated children are more likely to experience tantrums.
• Tune in to your child’s feelings. If you’re aware of your child’s feelings, you might be able to sense when big feelings are on the way. You can talk about what’s going on and help your child manage difficult feelings. You might also be able to distract your child.
• Identify tantrum triggers. For example, your child might have tantrums when you’re shopping. You might be able to plan for this situation or change the environment to avoid tantrums. For example, it might help to go shopping after your child has had a nap and a snack.
• Talk about emotions with your child. When your child struggles with a strong feeling, encourage your child to name the feeling and what caused it. For example, ‘Did you throw your toy because you were cross that it wasn’t working? What else could you have done?’