Why do kids lie?

Most parents think children lie to get something they want, avoid a consequence or get out of something they don’t want to do. These are common motivations, but there are also some less obvious reasons why kids might not tell the truth or at least the whole truth.

Children might lie to:

• cover something up so they don’t get into trouble
• see how you’ll respond
• make a story more exciting
• experiment – for example, by pretending something that happened in a story was real
• get attention or make themselves sound better
• get something they want – for example, ‘Mum lets me have lollies before dinner’
• avoid hurting someone’s feelings – this sort of lie is often called a ‘white lie’
• to test out a new behavior – one reason children lie is because they’ve discovered this novel idea and are trying it out, just as they do with most kinds of behaviors, to see what happens. “They’ll wonder, what happens if I lie about this situation?”. “What will it do for me? What does it get me out of? What does it get me?’”
• to enhance self-esteem and gain approval – children who lack confidence may tell grandiose lies to make themselves seem more impressive, special or talented to inflate their self-esteem and make themselves look good in the eyes of others.
• to get the focus off themselves – children with anxiety or depression might lie about their symptoms to get the spotlight off them. Or they might minimize their issues, saying something like “No, no I slept fine last night” because they don’t want people worrying about them.
• speaking before they think or lie out of impulsivity – one of the hallmarks of the impulsive type of ADHD is to talk before they think
• white lies – in certain situations parents might actually encourage children to tell a white lie in order to spare someone’s feelings. In this case, the white lie and when to use it fall under the umbrella of social skills.

Parents should expect kids to lie at some point and try to resist the urge to simply get upset (and punish). Children can learn to tell lies from an early age, usually around three years of age. This is when your child starts to realize that you aren’t a mind reader, so he can say things that aren’t true without you always knowing.

Children lie more at 4-6 years. Your child might get better at telling lies by matching her facial expressions and the tone of her voice to what she’s saying. If you ask her to explain what she’s saying, she’ll usually own up.

The University of Toronto study ¹⁾ shows that lying is common from age 4 to 17, and by age 7, kids can tell a lie so well that often their parents can’t even tell they’re being untruthful.

As children grow older, they can lie more successfully without getting caught out. The lies also get more complicated, because children have more words and are better at understanding how other people think.

By adolescence, children regularly tell white lies to avoid hurting other people’s feelings, avoid punishment, disappointing their parents or an unpleasant outcome. But after age 17, lying decreases, so it’s not necessarily a problem that will follow your kids into adulthood.

Pretending and imagining are important to your child’s development, and it’s good to encourage this kind of play. ‘Tall tales’ don’t need to be treated as lies, especially for children under four years.

If your child is making up a story about something, you can respond by saying something like, ‘That’s a great story – we could make it into a book’. This encourages your child’s imagination without encouraging lying.

Lying about serious issues

Sometimes children lie or keep secrets about serious issues. For example, a child who has been abused by an adult or bullied by another child will often lie because she fears that she’ll be punished if she tells.

Here’s what to do if you suspect your child is lying to protect someone else:

• Reassure your child that he’ll be safe if he tells the truth.
• Let your child know you’ll do everything you can to make things better.

Some children might lie frequently as part of a larger pattern of more serious, negative or even illegal behavior like stealing, lighting fires or hurting animals.

If you have concerns about your child’s behavior, safety or wellbeing, think about getting professional help. Talk to your doctor or school counselor for advice on who to contact.

When should you get help for a child who’s a habitual liar?

Children lie for many reasons. Sometimes they do it to avoid consequences. Sometimes they do it when feeling inadequate, insecure, or anxious. Sometimes they are simply copying a peer’s or an adult’s bad behavior. Lying, however, is a symptom, not a diagnosis. If a child is habitually lying and then experiencing distress or dysfunction, it is time to seek professional help and a psychiatric evaluation.

How to stop kids from lying

Once children are old enough to understand the difference between true and not true, it’s good to encourage and support them in telling the truth.

You can do this by emphasizing the importance of honesty in your family and helping children understand what can happen if you lie.

Skill building and not punishment should be the goal

Here are some tips:

• Have conversations about lying and telling the truth with your children. For example, ‘How would mum feel if dad lied to her?’ or ‘What happens when you lie to a teacher?’
• Help your child avoid situations where he feels the need to lie. For example, if you ask your child if he spilled his milk, he might feel tempted to lie. To avoid this situation you could just say, ‘I see there’s been an accident with the milk. Let’s clean it up’.
• Praise your child when she owns up to doing something wrong. For example, ‘I’m so glad you told me what happened. Let’s work together to sort things out’.
• Be a role model for telling the truth. For example, ‘I made a mistake in a report I wrote for work today. I told my boss so we could fix it’.
• Use a joke to encourage your child to own up to a lie without conflict. For example, your preschooler might say, ‘My teddy bear broke it’. You could say something like, ‘I wonder why teddy did that?’ Keep the joke going until your child owns up.

It might seem like no matter what you do, your child keeps lying. But if you keep praising your child for telling the truth and you also use consequences for lying, your child is less likely to lie as he gets older.

What parents shouldn’t do

• Don’t corner your child. Putting a child on the spot can set him up to lie. If parents know the true story, they should go right to the issue and discuss it. Instead of asking a child if he didn’t do his homework a parent could just say, “I know you didn’t do it. Let’s talk about why that’s not a good idea.”
• Don’t label your child a liar. It’s a big mistake to call a child a liar. The wound it creates is bigger than dealing with what he lied about in the first place. He thinks, “Mom won’t believe me.” It makes him feel bad about himself and may set up a pattern of lying.

How to deal with a child that lies

If your child tells a deliberate lie, the first step is to let him know that lying isn’t OK. He also needs to know why not. You might like to make a family rule about lying.

The next step is to use appropriate consequences. And when you use consequences, try to deal separately with the lying and the behavior that led to it. For example, if your child drew on the walls and then lied about it, you might have a consequence for each of these things. But if your child is lying to cover up a mistake like spilling a drink, you might just decide to use a consequence for the lying and then clean up the mess together.

Here are some more ideas to handle deliberate lying:

• Make a time to talk calmly with your child and tell her how her lying makes you feel, how it affects your relationship with her, and what it might be like if family and friends stop trusting her. Watch how you respond to misbehavior and mistakes in your home, whether it’s spilled juice on the carpet or unfinished chores. If your kids worry about being yelled at or punished when they mess up, they won’t want to come to you with the truth. Focus on using a calm voice – yes, it can be tough, but it’s possible. That doesn’t mean kids are off the hook for lying. But instead of getting angry and assigning blame, discuss solutions to the problem with your child.
• Don’t set up a lie. If you can see piles of laundry on your daughter’s floor, don’t ask her if she’s cleaned up her room yet. When you ask questions to which you already know the answer, you’re giving your child the opportunity to tell a lie. Instead, emphasize ways to address the situation. If you know John hasn’t done his homework, ask him, “What are your plans for finishing your homework?” Instead of “Where did all this mud come from?” ask, “What can we do to clean this up and make sure it doesn’t happen next time?” This can help head off a power struggle and allows your child to save face by focusing on a plan of action instead of fabricating an excuse. It also teaches a lesson of what they can do next time – sitting down with homework right after school or taking off their shoes in the mudroom instead of the living room – to avoid problems.
• Share your own experiences and reward honesty. Let your child know that everyone makes mistakes or mishandles a situation once or twice. But talk to your child about how if this becomes a repeated thing, there will be consequences. And lay those out up front, so there’s no debate about it later. Offer positive rewards when your child tells the truth, especially in a tough situation.
• Celebrate honesty. Even if you’re upset that there’s a sea of water on the bathroom floor because your daughter tried to give her dolls a bath in the sink, commend her for coming to you and telling the truth. Tell her, “I really appreciate you telling me what really happened. That must have been difficult for you, but I really appreciate you telling the truth and taking responsibility.”
• Always tell your child when you know that he isn’t telling the truth. But try to avoid asking him all the time if he’s telling the truth, and also avoid calling him a ‘liar’. This might lead to even more lying. That is, if your child believes he’s a liar, he might as well as keep lying. You could say something like ‘You’re usually very honest with me. But I just can’t understand what else would have happened to the last cupcake’.
• Get the whole truth. While you may want to put your child on the spot when you catch him in a lie, accusing or blaming him will only make things worse. Getting to the root of the problem and understanding why he couldn’t be honest with you will help you encourage your child to tell the truth in the future. Open up a conversation gently, saying, “that sounds like a story to me. You must be worried about something and afraid to tell the truth. Let’s talk about that. What would help you be honest?” You can use the information you glean to help him be more truthful in the future.
• Make it easier for your child not to lie. You can start by thinking about why your child might be telling lies. For example, if your child is lying to get your attention, consider more positive ways you could give her attention and boost her self-esteem. If she’s lying to get things she wants, consider a rewards system that lets her earn the things instead.
• Use truth checks. Let’s say parents have been told by a teacher their child didn’t do her homework. You give your kid a chance to tell the truth. If she doesn’t at first, you could say, “I’m going to walk away and give you 10 minutes and then I’m going to come back and ask you again. If you change your mind and want to give me a different answer, it’s just a truth check and you won’t get in trouble.” This way, if a child gives an off-the-cuff answer because she’s scared of consequences or she doesn’t want to disappoint a parent, she has the chance to really think about whether she wants to lie or fess up without the consequences. NOTE: this technique isn’t for a child who chronically lies.
• Use the preamble method. Parents can also set up kids to tell the truth by reminding them that they don’t expect perfection. Parents could say, “I’m going to ask you a question and maybe you’re going to tell me something I don’t really want to hear. But remember, your behavior is not who you are. I love you know matter what, and sometimes people make mistakes. So I want you to think about giving me an honest answer.” Giving kids a chance to reflect on this may lead to them telling the truth.
• Delight in do-overs. Think of mistakes as a way to learn how to make better choices. When you stay calm and avoid yelling or punishing your kids for mistakes, your kids will be more likely to admit their slip-ups in the future. Turn the mistake into a learning opportunity. Ask, “If you could have a do-over, what would you do differently?” and brainstorm different ideas. If someone else was affected – maybe he broke his sister’s scooter – ask what he can do to make it right with the other party.
• Show the love. Let your kids know you love them unconditionally, even when they make mistakes. Make sure they know that while you don’t like their poor behavior, you will never love them any less because of the mistakes they might make. This helps your kids feel safe opening up to you.
• Walk the talk. Remember that your kids are always looking to you and learning from your actions. Those little white lies you tell, whether it’s to get out of dog sitting for the neighbors or helping with the school fundraiser, aren’t harmless – they’re showing your kids that it’s okay to lie.

These tips will help start your family on a path for a more honest household. But remember it takes time to build up trust. Be patient.

However, if your child continues to lie often or lies with the intention of hurting others, you may want to consider counseling or other professional help.

How to handle lying in toddlers (ages 2-3)

Lying is common in young children, who are just beginning to understand the difference between fantasy and reality.

Take a common scenario: Your daughter sneaks a chocolate chip cookie. The telltale chocolate smear is on her face. When you question her, she denies it. Why?

Children this age are too young to understand lying as a moral choice. They don’t always think before acting, so they don’t anticipate consequences. So, the lie is how they’re responding to the fact that you look mad or sound upset. They want to make everything OK again. They’re not trying to deceive.

With toddlers, respond to lies with facts. Don’t punish. In this instance, point out her dirty face and the open package on the table. When you lay out the evidence in simple but concrete terms, you can start to help your child understand right from wrong.

How to handle lying during the preschool years (ages 4-5)

Talk with a slightly older child about the importance of telling the truth. For extra reinforcement, read an age-appropriate book about lying to your child. And make sure to set a good example by telling the truth yourself.

If you catch your preschooler in a lie, don’t make a big deal out of it, they are still exploring and testing at that age. Make use of their increased language skills to teach them about choices.

Say that lying’s not an OK choice, but here’s how you could have handled that instead. You still need to be very concrete at this age.

How to handle lying during the elementary school years

By the time your child enters kindergarten, she’s a bit more savvy. She understands that lying is wrong, but she also knows that lying can help her avoid consequences and chores. She’d rather have fun than do her science project or clean her room. She’ll lie to mislead or manipulate and to avoid an uncomfortable situation. At this age, skill building not punishment should be the goal.

Kids usually want to do the right thing, but when they lack skills to handle a situation, they just choose the path of least resistance.

If your child lies about not having homework, find out why. Maybe they don’t understand or can’t keep track of their assignments.

Pinpoint what’s behind the lie, whether it’s a lack of problem-solving skills or a feeling of not fitting in. Focus on teaching your child how to solve problems, get through uncomfortable situations and think ahead to consequences for their behavior.

Look at the gaps in your child’s skills as an opportunity to reduce the need to lie. Share experiences from your past instead of punishing and shaming. But don’t let them get away with it. Tell them it’s not OK, or they’ll see lying as an easier way to avoid consequences or hurt feelings.

Modeling is even more important at this age. If you lie in everyday situations — “I wish I could talk, but I have to get going. I have somewhere to be” — older school kids will start to notice that and think it’s OK.

How to handle lying during the middle school years and beyond

During the middle school years, your child is even more likely to lie to fit in with peers, to get out of trouble or to regain control after you’ve told them no. Help him understand the impact of his choices.

Explain to older kids and teens why lying can lead to dangerous consequences. Often, they’re not thinking ahead. For instance, if your son lies about where he is, help him understand that you couldn’t get in touch with him if something went wrong. Helping him see why limits are put in place will eventually help him make better choices.

Parents need to talk with their child, explaining their concerns (whether moral or safety issues) and perhaps finding a compromise. This isn’t giving in. This is helping ensure you’re not seen as overly strict, which could just result in more lying.

Older kids start to understand when it’s OK to tell a ‘white lie’ to spare someone’s feelings. It’s best to reinforce the importance of telling the truth, though there are some times when it’s better to keep your thoughts to yourself.

You can also help them understand that lying can affect their reputation. Discuss questions like ‘How do you want others to view you? How do you want to view yourself? Do you feel proud of yourself when you lie, or rather when you’re honest and kind?’.